


Anxious Disaster Friends

by DemyxDancer



Series: Professionals [11]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, F/F, Fluff, Humor, I am emotionally compromised by the prospect of Steven Universe ending, Little Homeworld
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 26,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22993861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemyxDancer/pseuds/DemyxDancer
Summary: A collection of minifics starring the Crystal Gems B-Team (+ one nervous lawyer) as they try to keep Little Homeworld running without losing their sanity.DAY TWENTY-TWO: It's Opposite Day!
Relationships: Blue Zircon & Peridot (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Series: Professionals [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573660
Comments: 971
Kudos: 213





	1. Time Travel AU, except it's Peridot ruining everything in less than thirty seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a collection of bonus mini-fics using the universe and headcanons from _Professionals_. Most are standalone and do not require reading that fic. Each is self-contained and none should be considered canon unless otherwise specified.

“Guess what, Zircs?” said Peridot, barging into Zircon’s office without knocking.

Zircon thought for a moment. “You’re not really giving me much to go on, here.”

“I invented a Time-Turner!” Peridot proudly held up her creation, which looked like an hourglass in a bubble. “It’s based on ancient Gem technology that was left behind on Earth. You can use it to go back in time, but only a few minutes.”

Zircon was horrified. “Peri, that seems excessively, unnecessarily dangerous.”

Peridot opened her mouth and closed it again, searching for a response. “Yes.”

“Now that we’ve established that, why are you doing this?”

“Because,” said Peridot, hoisting herself to sit on Zircon’s desk, “if I can get this to work properly, think of how much more stuff we could do! Like, you’re always busy, right? You could get twice as much work done in a day and have time to do more important things, like watch  _ Special Vampire Unit.” _

Zircon pinched the bridge of her nose. “So what you’re telling me is that you’re going to risk ripping a hole in the space-time continuum so you can watch more TV.”

“Well, when you put it like that, it sounds like a bad idea.”

“Because it is! It’s a bad idea!”

“Aw, c’mon Zircs. I already tried it once and it worked great.”

“Wait, you already tried it?” said Zircon, panic rising.

“Yeah, and it was --”

“Guess what, Zircs?” said Peridot, barging into Zircon’s office without knocking.

“Oh stars,” said the Peridot sitting on Zircon’s desk.

“Peri, what did you do!?” said Zircon, grabbing the first Peridot by the shoulders and shaking her.

Peridot didn’t answer, instead hopping off the desk and running to the window. “Oh, this is bad. This is bad. This is really, really bad.”

Zircon braced herself and looked out the window. Down below, in Little Homeworld’s main square, there were dozens of Peridots running around.

“I gray goo scenario’d myself,” said Peridot, in terrified awe. “Green Gem scenario?”

“What does that mean?”

“I think I may have caused copies of myself to infinitely replicate.”

Zircon blinked. “Are we going to die in a flood of infinite you?”

“Yeah,” said Peridot. “Sorry about that.”

“I’m actually impressed,” said Zircon. “I’ve imagined my own death so many times, but I really didn’t see this one coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the first batch of fics written, but feel free to leave ideas in the comments!


	2. "So I've been thinking about asking Peridot out."

“So I’ve been thinking about asking Peridot out.”

“What?!” Pearl dropped her sword in a state of absolute shock. 

Bismuth had been expecting that and shapeshifted her hands back to normal. This sparring session was clearly over. “You seem awfully surprised.”

“I mean -- I know you’re friends but -- Peridot?!”

“Sure, why not?” said Bismuth, shrugging. “We have a lot of similar interests. We work together really well, and we’ve been spending a lot of time together constructing Little Homeworld. Plus, she’s cute.”

Pearl’s sword sat forgotten on the floor as its owner tried in vain to process this. “But… you…”

Bismuth’s face was extremely serious. “So, you don’t think she’s cute, then.”

“She’s very…” Pearl’s internal screaming was reaching a fever pitch. “She’s very Peridot. There’s nothing wrong with that! If that’s what you’re… expecting.”

Bismuth laughed and clapped Pearl on the shoulder. “I’m kidding! I’m just messing with you, Pearl. You should see the look on your face!”

“Oh,” said Pearl, breathing a sigh of relief and picking up her sword again. “Don’t do that, Bismuth! You really had me going.”

“Sorry, sorry!” said Bismuth. “You’re too fun to mess with. Sometimes I can’t help it.” She looked thoughtful. “Have  _ you _ ever thought about asking out Peridot? You two have a lot in common.”

Pearl’s sword clanged to the ground again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow's will be more substantial. And fraught.


	3. We're not going to die here. We're not going to die now.

“Are you  _ sure _ there’s nothing I can do?”

Peridot looked out of Zircon’s office window. The bright, sunny blue skies above gave no indication that anything was wrong. She could see Gems gathering in the courtyard below. Lapis was down there, looking up at the office.

“I’m not sure there’s much you can do, since you can’t leave the tower,” said Lapis’ voice from the phone floating next to Peridot’s head. “Besides, I’m sure Pearl and Bis can figure it out.” A pause. “Do you want them to call you?”

“I don’t want to distract them, but… yes. They absolutely should call me. I know they have a lot of skills, but I’m a born technician, and I’m just  _ saying --” _

“I know, Peri. I’ll tell them as soon as they get back.”

Peridot felt a small measure of relief. At least she’d have something to do instead of being stuck up here, useless. “So, did the Emerald have any more demands?”

“What, dismantling Era 3 isn’t enough of a demand?” said Lapis. “As far as I know, no. Steven and Garnet took the transceiver and are trying to negotiate.”

“That’s good! I mean, Steven even got White Diamond to reconsider. If there’s anyone who can defuse the situation, it’s him.” Peridot tried to put more cheerfulness into her voice than she actually felt. “Did Garnet… you know. Did Garnet find a way?”

Lapis’ hesitation was the answer Peridot didn’t want to hear. “She’s still looking. She also said that her future vision has been wrong before.”

“Hm.”

“So…” 

Peridot could practically hear Lapis fishing around for a topic change.

“So how’s Zircs holding up?”

“About as well as you’d expect. She finally stopped pacing.” 

Zircon was curled up on the couch, her cat in her lap, frantically scrolling through something on her phone. She looked up. “Are you talking about me? Tell Lapis I said hi.”

“She says hi.”

“Tell her I said to hang in there.”

“You know you guys can text?” Peridot turned to Zircon. “Lapis says to hang in there.”

Zircon shrugged. “Not much else to do, is there? I appreciate it, though.”

“I wish I could fly up there and rescue you guys,” said Lapis.

“We’re going to get out of this,” said Peridot. “Steven will convince her, or Pearl and Bis will disarm the bomb. It doesn’t matter what Garnet sees. We’re the Crystal Gems. We save the day, right?”

“Right,” said Lapis. “Hey, Peri? I want you to know that I love you.”

“I’m not going to die, Lapis.”

“I know! Just hear me out. You’re smart, and brave, and funny, and you make my world a lot better just by being in it. I want you to know that. Just in case.”

Peridot’s eyes welled up. “I love you too, you know that, right? And listen. I am absolutely not going to die here. I promise. I have way more stuff I need to get done. But  _ just in case, _ I want you to know that you’re way stronger and better than you give yourself credit for. And you deserve to be happy.”

“Peri…”

“I can’t wait for you to rescue me, so you can make fun of me for being a huge sap,” said Peridot, trying to keep her voice from hitching. 

“Yeah, me too.”

Peridot could hear the commotion behind Lapis as they both searched for something more to say.

“Hey. Pearl just texted me. I think she needs my help. Will you be okay?”

“Of course!” said Peridot. “Go help Pearl. The faster you save the day, the sooner we can get to snuggling in the hammock.”

Peridot hung up the phone and settled on the other end of the couch.

“So how’s it going down there?” said Zircon.

“It’s fine! Sounds like they’re making great progress on getting us out.” Peridot was in no condition to effectively sell that lie.

“Peri, please.”

Peridot looked down. “Lapis isn’t telling me everything. I don’t know what Garnet saw, but Lapis didn’t seem all that optimistic.”

Zircon was nervously petting her cat around its chin. The cat, unaware of impending doom, purred contentedly. “That’s… not… great,” Zircon managed, beads of sweat breaking out on her forehead.

“Let’s… just try not to panic, okay?” said Peridot. “There’s still hope.”

“Peri, I’ll be honest, I’m about two seconds away from losing it.”

Peridot sat back on the couch. “You know what? So am I.” She sat up and slammed her fist into the couch. “There has to be something I can do!” she screamed in frustration, startling the cat out of Zircs’ lap. “I can’t stand it, Zircs. We’re just sitting here  _ useless _ while everyone else is rushing to save everyone.”

“Exactly!” said Zircon, throwing up her hands. “It’s absolutely excruciating to just sit here and wait. I can’t take it anymore!”

“Maybe we could sneak out.”

“But the Emerald said she’d pull the trigger if anyone tried to leave.”

“I know, but maybe we could be… stealthy?”

Zircon raised an eyebrow. “You want to gamble a few hundred Gems’ lives on your stealth skills?”

Peridot sank back onto the couch with a flustered huff.

“I don’t want to die here, Peri,” said Zircon, hands jittering on her knees. “I really, really don’t want to die here. Actually, no,  _ here _ is not the problem. I really don’t want to die  _ now. _ After four thousand years life was just starting to get good!”

Peridot shook her head rapidly. “We’re not going to die here  _ or _ now.”

“And it’s my fault you’re even here.”

“It is  _ not. _ We’ve been over this. It’s not your fault I just happened to be visiting. It’s the fault of the insane clump of dirt who wired up the building to explode.”

“You could be out there, with Lapis and the others.”

“Yeah, that’d be great for me, but you’d be stuck up here alone. That outcome also sucks,” said Peridot. “Ideally, I should have invited you over instead of stopping by your office. Then we’d both be out there.”

“Stars, but I wish we were.” Zircon wiped tears out of her eyes.

Peridot did her best to gather her composure. “We’re not going to die. I mean it. We’ve been through way too much to die to some clod and her stupid backwards grudge. The rest of the Crystal Gems will figure this out. This time tomorrow we’ll be marathoning TV in my lair, just like things are supposed to be.”

Zircon nodded. “I’d like that.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. They could hear the muffled sound of a Gem sobbing in a nearby office. Zircon shifted uncomfortably.

“Would you like to watch some TubeTube videos of cats?”

“Yeah, good idea.”


	4. Reach Out to the Truth [Persona 4 Crossover]

Peridot jittered nervously as the hand of the clock hit midnight. For a second, nothing changed on the TV, and she wasn’t sure whether she should be relieved or more worried. Just as she began to fidget with her phone to call her friends, the TV sprang to life.

“Hello, lovely viewers!” said the boy on the screen. The past two nights, he had been shrouded in static, but now his image was coming through clear. It was a boy of about seventeen with dark curly hair, wearing what seemed to be a pink doctor’s coat and flip flops. Peridot’s stomach lurched.

“Do you have problems?” said the boy, in the least sincere voice imaginable. “Are you sad? Frustrated? Bored? Angry? Worthless? Useless? Hopeless? Is your life crumbling apart around you? Are your so-called friends unable to help? Well, you can call on Dr. Universe for all your problem-solving needs!” 

The boy’s eyes glinted an eerie pink as a telephone number appeared on the bottom of the screen. “I can solve any personal problem you may be experiencing! It’s what I’m good at. In fact --” -- and here, the boy’s voice turned low and menacing -- “--  _ it’s the only thing I’m good for.” _

“So please call Dr. Universe today!” he said, voice returned to normal. “I really, really need for you to call.”

The TV switched off. Peridot blinked in surprise. Her phone buzzing broke her out of her trance.

“Peri!” said Lapis. “That was definitely Steven. I guess that explains why he wasn’t at school today.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” said Peridot. “He always seems so cheerful and friendly. I never would have guessed that’s how he actually felt.”

“He must be going through a lot. More than we ever would have guessed. We have to help him. When’s the next fog?”

Peridot checked the notes scribbled on her wall calendar. “There was no fog in this week’s weather forecast, so we should have plenty of time. Let’s gather the rest and meet at Junes after school tomorrow, okay? The sooner we get to Steven, the better.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Hey, Lapis?” Peridot hesitated, then decided to go for it. “Do you want to hang out this weekend?”

“Um, well… I’m sorry, but I have a lot of studying to do. Some other time?”

Peridot cursed under her breath. She just  _ had _ to boost her charm.

* * *

A bright white pattern appeared on the floor as all three Shadows disappeared with a satisfying  _ crack,  _ finishing the battle. 

“Yes!” Peridot cheered, pumping her fist in the air. “Nice job, Zircs! High five?” She was left hanging, and realized Zircon had slumped over on the floor. “Uh, Zircs?”

“Peri, I am  _ completely _ out of energy. We have to go back.”

“Whaaaaaat? You were fine the last time I checked!”

“That was FIVE FLOORS AGO.”

“I’m kind of running low too,” said Lapis. “My icemaker’s getting pretty empty.”

“You guys,” Peridot pleaded. “It’s been forever since the last save point. If we go back now we’ll have to redo all those floors. Besides, Bis is fine. Right, Bis?”

“Ehhhh,” said Bismuth. “Maybe we should go back. We could just pay that lion to heal us, right?”

“I am  _ not _ paying the lion,” said Peridot. “I need all the yen I can get.”

“For what?” said a skeptical Lapis.

“For beef bowls, obviously! I need to eat beef bowls every rainy day, so I can get my charm stat up, so I can date -- I mean, for… important… Persona fusion purposes. You can’t even see the Velvet Room, you wouldn’t understand.” Peridot waved her hand dismissively. “Also, I need to buy the swimsuit outfits,” she added under her breath.

“Ugh, fine,” said Lapis. “But if we run into Shadow Steven, we’re going to be in big trouble. You know that, right?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll use a Goho-M before then. Promise!” said Peridot. “C’mon, let’s move out.”

Peridot herded her exhausted party down the hall in front of her. Zircon leaned over and whispered, “Did I hear you say  _ swimsuits? _ Because I am not wearing a swimsuit in a dungeon. Or ever.”

“It’s obviously not for you!” Peridot whispered back.

Zircon facepalmed. “I hope you realize you’re the biggest disaster gay of all time. Given the other members of this group, that’s saying a lot.”

“Whatever,” Peridot said, pushing open a door. “I don’t hear you complaining when I take you out for…” She suddenly realized the room that they had entered was much, much larger than usual. “...ramen.”

The room appeared to be an oversized, sinister version of a therapist’s office. Motivational posters with pictures of cute kittens and saccharine slogans hung on the walls, but most were ripped and stained. At the back of the room was an enormous couch, the kind you see in psychiatric offices in movies. Steven -- the real Steven, not his shadow -- was tied to the couch, struggling, with his mouth gagged. Shadow Steven was sitting in a nearby chair -- his back to the party, thankfully -- humming and making notes on a clipboard.

Bismuth put her hand on Peridot’s shoulder. “Peri, we need to get out of here before he sees us.”

Peridot nodded and began to back towards the door. She hadn’t taken two steps before Shadow Steven whipped around, eyes glowing bright pink. “YOU!” he bellowed in a deep voice. The pink glow dissipated as he left his chair and stepped towards the group. “I’m so glad to see you all! I was hoping you’d give me a chance to work on your deep, personal problems!”

“Ohhhh, this is bad,” said Zircon.

“Peridot,” said Shadow Steven. His smile was nothing like the real Steven’s -- it was filled with obvious malice. “I’ve seen you in class. I’ve been in clubs with you. I know how you are. You bluster and try to act smart and cool to hide the fact that you feel worthless inside. Isn’t that true?”

Peridot could feel her Persona stir within her. There was a time she would have angrily denied those words, but not anymore. “You’re right, Steven. I have done that. I still do that! It’s a part of who I am -- not a part I like, but one I’m working on.” 

“That’s great, Peridot! I can help you!”

“No, you can’t!” Peridot yelled. “My friends helped me, but I had to want to change myself first! I had to accept that there was a part of me I didn’t like and tried to hide. And so do you! Kidnapping the real Steven isn’t going to help you stop hurting. You need to accept each other.”

“What?” Shadow Steven’s laugh was hollow and eerie. “Steven’s not kidnapped! He loves this! I’m helping him.” Shadow Steven ripped the gag off of Steven’s face. “Isn’t that right?”

Steven’s breathing was ragged. “Peridot… Peridot, you have to stop him…!”

Shadow Steven slammed his hand down right next to Steven’s face, causing him to flinch. “What, you don’t want to be helped?! You want to stay weak and useless forever?”

“Stop it!” called Lapis. “You’re not weak and useless, Steven! You’re one of my best friends, and I care about you! But you don’t need to solve everyone’s problems. It’s okay if you need help sometimes, too! I’ll be there for you. We’ll all be there for you!”

Tears streamed down Steven’s face. “Lapis, I didn’t want you to see me like this…”

“We all care about you, Steven,” said Bismuth. “Your Shadow is a part of you, but it doesn’t define who you are. You just have to accept it. We believe in you!”

“You heard her!” said Shadow Steven, with a wicked grin. “I’m you, and you’re me! Admit it: you want everyone else to be doing badly, so you can help them out and feel great about yourself!”

“No!” said Steven, sobbing. “That’s not true!”

“No, don’t say that!” called Zircon.

“You’re… not… me!”

“Oh, we’re definitely going to die,” said Lapis, as Shadow Steven morphed into a whirling mass of motivational pamphlets and self-help books.

“No, no, this is fine,” said Peridot, taking a few steps backwards. “We can do this. I have a plan.”

“Well, I hope your plan doesn’t involve me healing anyone, because I’m still completely out of energy!” said Zircon, throwing up her hands.

“Wait, you’re really, totally out? I thought you were exaggerating,” said Peridot.

Zircon made a series of increasingly erratic hand gestures to convey her frustration.

“I’ve still got some juice left,” said Bismuth, shapeshifting her hand into a hammer and crushing her tarot card. “Let’s see what this thing is weak to.” A jet of fire emerged from her Persona, doing moderate but not particularly impressive damage to Shadow Steven.

“I’ve got  _ maybe _ a few Bufus in me,” said Lapis. Jagged ice crystals formed around Shadow Steven, exploding in an impressive display that barely dented its health.

Zircon sighed, made a face, folded up a paper airplane, and tossed it at Shadow Steven for one damage.

Peridot groaned. “Guess it’s up to me!” She crushed her tarot card in her hand. “PER - SO -”

Before she could finish, Shadow Steven flattened her with a pile of self-help books. She suddenly remembered that she had neglected to heal herself for the last few battles. “Yeah, we probably should have gone back and paid the lion,” said Bismuth, as Peridot whited out.

* * *

“It needs physical resistance. That thing was destroying us!” said Peridot, flipping through the list of available Personas she could fuse.

“I agree, but it also needs buffs,” said Zircon.

“The protagonist is the best physical attacker!” countered Peridot. “The other party members should be handling buffs.”

“That’d be fine if we had another party member with Matarukaja, but we don't!”

“Hey, guys?” Lapis leaned against the back of the couch.

“Hey, Lapis, what’s up?” said Peridot.

“I know it’s been a long week, and I’m glad you’re having fun with your video game, but I have heard nothing but opera music and bickering for the last FORTY MINUTES. What in the stars are you doing?”

“We keep getting our butts kicked in this boss fight, so we’re trying to fuse better Personas!” Peridot explained eagerly. “Zircs thinks we need more buffs, but I think we should be looking for… better… physical… attacks…” Peridot faltered as Lapis grew less and less impressed with each word. “We could turn the music down?”

“Yes, thank you,” said Lapis.

“We could also argue less,” offered Zircon.

“Because I’m right,” muttered Peridot.

“Peri, if we go in there without buffs we’re going to --” Zircon noticed Lapis’ death glare. “Arguing less. No problem.”

“Good!” said Lapis. “I’m going to go back to my nap.”

* * *

“You’re right,” said Steven, facing his Shadow. “I wanted to spend all my time solving everyone else’s problems, because I didn’t want to face my own. I just wanted everyone to think I’m always friendly and helpful. I didn’t want them to see any other side of me. But you’re a part of me too. I need to accept that. I’m sorry.” He held his hand out to his Shadow. “Let’s help each other, okay?”

_ The strength of heart required to face oneself has been made manifest… _

Shadow Steven dissipated into a Persona, as Steven collapsed on the ground. The Crystal Gems Investigation Team breathed a collective sigh of relief.

* * *

**Further notes on this silly crossover no one asked for**

Peridot is the protagonist. She is therefore a Wild Card and her arcana is the Fool. Her starter Persona has electricity and physical skills. She didn’t have a dungeon, since she’s the protagonist, but Shadow Steven outlined what she had to overcome to get her Persona.

Lapis’ Arcana is Fortune, which represents seizing one’s own destiny despite fate. She’s heavily magic-focused and her element is ice, since water isn’t a thing in P4. Her dungeon was a massive spider web and her Shadow form was a water spider who desires to trap people the way she has been trapped in the past. Her boss attacks would include binding magic and paralysis.

Bismuth’s Arcana is the Chariot, which represents victory, self-confidence, and control. She’s mainly a physical attacker but also has fire skills. Her dungeon was a Gem battlefield, and her Shadow was a ruthless general. This represents her guilt over her actions in the war, particularly with the Breaking Point -- the Breaking Point attack in her boss battle would be a multi-target Dark skill.

Zircon’s Arcana is Justice, not just because she’s a lawyer but because it represents truth and rationality. She has light and dark skills because she’s obviously the Naoto of the group, but instead of Megido attacks she’d get healing skills. Her Shadow would be a robotic machine that always works and never makes mistakes, representing her fear of never being good enough.

Steven, now added to the party, would have primarily healing and buffing skills but also some physical attacks. His Arcana would be Emperor, which can represent control and trying too hard to achieve control over one’s surroundings.

This was supposed to be short. I suppose I take Persona way too seriously. Writing incredibly on-the-nose Persona dungeon dialogue is also a lot of fun. 


	5. Federally Mandated Coffee Shop AU

Bismuth was trying to catch up on her reading for her book club when Peridot burst into the forge in obvious high spirits.

“Bis! Got a minute? I need your help with something!”

Bismuth put down the book -- she honestly wasn’t finding it especially interesting anyway, and was reading it mainly out of obligation. “You’re in luck -- I’ve got several minutes. What’s up?”

“I’m going to need a building permit.”

“What for?”

“A coffee shop.”

“Coffee shop?” Bismuth repeated in confusion. “Doesn’t Spacetries serve coffee?”

“Ugh, yes, but this is going to be  _ totally different.” _ Peridot was making wild hand gestures to punctuate her explanation.  _ “This _ coffee shop is going to be small, quaint, and unbearably cute. We’re going to have a long list of fancy drinks and flavor syrups, and some kind of cutesy pun name, and those little punch out cards that get you a free drink. And we’re always going to be on the verge of bankruptcy.”

“Why would you want to be almost bankrupt…?”

“It’s part of the charm! And all of us are going to work there!”

“Who is ‘all of us’?”

“You know,” said Peridot. “All of the Crystal Gems. Except Lapis, of course.”

“Okay, see, I didn’t sign up to work in a coffee shop.” Bismuth laughed. “Why not Lapis, though?”

“Because, obviously, she’s going to be my favorite customer!” Peridot threw out her arms. “She’ll come into the coffee shop every day and always order the same thing, and I’ll make her one of those coffee drinks with little meep morps on top.”

“Does Lapis actually drink coffee?”

“No, but that’s not the important part.”

“I’m starting to see why the coffee shop is going to go bankrupt.”

“The important part is not whether or not Lapis drinks the coffee,” Peridot explained. “The important part is that she’s impressed by my coffee morp skills and my sparkling wit. And then, after months of awkward flirting, she’ll finally work up the courage to ask out that cute barista.” Peridot had a dreamy smile on her face. “That would be me. I’m the cute barista in this scenario.”

Bismuth leaned on one hand. “Peridot, you do remember you’re already dating Lapis, right?”

“Well, yeah, but not in a coffee shop AU!”

“A...U…?”

“It stands for Alternate Universe!” Peridot explained. “I see it all the time on the internet. It’s like when you have a whole group of characters with super interesting lives and powers, and then you make them do something mundane, like work in a coffee shop. It’s actually really interesting, though, because it allows you to explore the characters divorced of their usual setting… and...” Peridot noticed the look of increased confusion and skepticism on Bismuth’s face. “I’m not getting the building permit, am I?”

“Sorry, Peri, but I think you’re gonna need a better  _ bismuth _ model.” 

Peridot groaned.

* * *

Several days later, Peridot was in the middle of catching ‘em all in her favorite monster catching game when she received an unexpected text from Blue Lace Agate. Apparently the wi-fi kept cutting out at Spacetries, and she wanted a technician to come take a look at it. Peridot almost sent her back a text asking her to file a ticket, but Lacey was a really nice Gem and Peridot didn’t really have anything important going on, so she figured she might as well go take a look.

When Peridot arrived at Spacetries, she was surprised to see it was not Lacey behind the counter, but Lapis, wearing a dark green apron.

“Hello!” she said, waving cheerfully. “It’s my favorite customer! Do you want me to make your usual?”

Peridot blinked in surprise, then laughed in glee as she realized what was happening. “Yes, please!” she said, leaning eagerly over the counter.

“So, how’s your day been? Your day at your super mundane office job?”

“I sat in a gray cube adorned with various ‘office decorations’ and typed on a human computer. I had to sit through a really boring meeting, and then my wacky co-workers played pranks on each other. So pretty much a normal day,” Peridot said, watching as Lapis did something she couldn’t follow with the complicated-looking coffee machines. “Lacey said you’re having trouble with the wi-fi. Did you need help with that?”

“The wi-fi is always cutting out here,” said Lapis. “That’s part of our charm, but also why we’re on the verge of bankruptcy.” She slid a white mug in front of Peridot. “Your latte!”

Peridot peered in the mug. There was a little alien head drawn in the foam at the top. Her eyes grew wide and starry. “Lapis, oh my stars! This is too cute! I love it!” Her excitement faded slightly. “Um… you know that I can’t drink this, right? What do I do with it?”

Lapis shrugged. “Eh, take a picture and toss it out.”

“Yes, perfect!” Peridot took a picture, then a selfie, then posted both on her Twitter. “Now what?”

“Well,” said Lapis, leaning in close, “I made you your favorite drink. Aren’t you supposed to ask the cute barista out?”

Peridot blushed. “That’s skipping ahead a few steps, but I’ll make an exception just this once.”


	6. Action-Oriented Storytelling

“So the production company I formed with Steven didn’t exactly work out,” said Peridot, explaining her latest idea to Lapis. “I mean, it did work out, because I got to help out Steven and we had a lot of fun. It just didn’t work out in the sense that we didn’t get to reboot the reboot of  _ Camp Pining Hearts.” _

“So what?” said Lapis. “I mean, I could’ve told you it was going to suck. Why not just rewatch the original?”

“Lapis, Lapis, Lapis,” said Peridot. “You know I love you, but sometimes you lack vision.”

“Mmhmm.” Lapis was unimpressed.

“I was thinking -- Steven’s great, but he can’t really do the broadcasting of his intensely emotional fever dreams anymore. So why don’t I cut out the middlegem and do that part myself instead?”

“Wasn’t that just Steven’s power, though? You can’t project your dreams into the TV. I definitely would have noticed that by now.”

“You’re right, I can’t project my dreams into the TV. But I  _ can _ project my dreams from my gem! All I need to do is have a camera set up to capture them!”

Lapis looked uncomfortable. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Peri.”

“What are you talking about? Of course it is! I’ve always wondered what it looks like when I dream, too. This is going to be great!”

* * *

Peridot woke up from a particularly deep sleep and rubbed at her eyes. She felt amazing. She rolled over and closed her eyes again to savor the feeling before remembering -- the tape!

She sprang out of the hammock, nearly getting her foot tangled in it and tumbling to the ground. She hoped she hadn’t turned too much in her sleep and that the camera had gotten a really good picture. She levitated the camera off its bracket and opened it up to find…

Nothing.

“Where’s the tape?” she muttered to herself. Lapis was sitting on the couch, reading. “Lapis, what happened to the tape that was in my dream camera?”

“Dunno,” said Lapis, not looking up. “You probably just forgot to put one in.”

“No way,” said Peridot. “I definitely remember putting a tape in this thing.” She looked at Lapis suspiciously. “Did you take the tape?”

“No,” said Lapis, but Peridot could see a blush forming on her cheeks.

“You did! You took the tape!” Peridot stormed over, climbed on the couch, and pulled down Lapis’ book to look her in the face. “What did you do with the tape?”

“I didn’t do anything with the tape!” Lapis was definitely blushing now.

“You’re lying!” said Peridot. “What in the stars was on that tape that made you decide to hide it?”

She tried to think back to what she was dreaming the night before, but she couldn’t really remember it. What would make Lapis steal and hide the tape?

She had woken up feeling  _ particularly _ good…

Peridot blushed bright blue as her brain imploded.

_ “Lapis, you give me the tape RIGHT NOW!” _


	7. Gem Fever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter is hurt/comfort about a sickness going around among the Gems. If the news is stressing you out and you don't want to read about that, please give this chapter a skip. I found it comforting to write, personally.

“Don’t you have someplace to be?”

“Huh?” Peridot was sitting on the couch in her lair, playing a particularly intense level in her brand new rhythm game.

“Don’t you have someplace to be?” repeated Lapis, her tone strangely menacing.

Peridot paused her game and wiped sweat off her forehead. It was the middle of summer and her lair was oppressively hot. 

“What are you talking about, Lapis?”

Lapis was standing by the couch, her face expressionless. “Isn’t there something you’re supposed to be doing?”

“...fixing the coolant system?” Peridot guessed. That would explain why the lair was so uncomfortably warm. “Wait, no, that isn’t it, is it? I’m supposed to be going somewhere…”

Getting up off the couch was surprisingly difficult, as though no part of her form wanted to cooperate. Lapis just quietly stared at her as she left the lair and emerged into Steven’s beach house.

Steven was relaxed on the couch, strumming his guitar. “Hey, Peri!”

“Steven!” Peridot called enthusiastically. Maybe Steven could help her with… she couldn’t quite remember what she needed help with. “Is this where I’m supposed to be?”

“Uh, I guess,” said Steven. “I did want to talk to you. I recruited a whole bunch of new Peridots from this one colony I visited, so we won’t need you any more.”

“What?!” said Peridot. The heat was unbearable. She felt like the room was spinning. “Steven, how could you do that?”

Steven shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. Kinda thought you’d take it better.”

“Steven -- I --”

“Peri?” It was Lapis’ voice. “Peri, wake up!”

Peridot forced her eyes open. She was safely nestled into her hammock in the lair. It really  _ was  _ oppressively hot. She instinctively reached to touch her gemstone, which felt like it had been dipped in lava.

“Peri, I’m so sorry, I took a nap and let your ice pack melt. I re-froze it for you. Here.” 

Lapis draped an enormous ice pack across Peridot’s gem. “What are you --” Peridot started to say, then nearly melted into the hammock as the ice provided almost immediate relief from her burning gemstone. 

“You caught gem fever, remember?”

She did remember, now that the ice had cooled her gem enough to allow her to actually think. “Still?” said Peridot. “How long is this gonna last?”

“Probably a couple days,” said Lapis. “You’re really burning up now, though. I hope this is the worst of it.”

Peridot fidgeted with the ice pack, getting it into a slightly better position. “I hate being out of commission. I have so much stuff I could be doing!” Even back in Era 2, when some other Peridots were fine with getting sick because it meant they got to take a break, Peridot had never felt that way. She'd rather be useful instead of bored and restless.

“Well, all that stuff is going to have to go on hold for a while,” said Lapis. “You’ll just have to sit back and enjoy being taken care of. Is there anything you want?”

Peridot smiled. That aspect  _ was _ much better than getting sick in Era 2. “Can you put on some Camp Pining Hearts?”

“Sure, but I’m not letting you leave the hammock, so you’re gonna have to watch it from here.” Lapis went and fetched the DVD sets from near the TV. “Any requests?”

“Something cold.”

“How about the season 4 episode where they’re all snowed in from a blizzard?”

“Yes, perfect!” Peridot snuggled contentedly into the hammock as the familiar CPH theme music started to play.

“Anything else?” said Lapis, floating near the hammock.

“No, I think I’m good.” She grabbed a nearby stuffed amoeba and held it close.

Lapis picked up a book and sat nearby. She extended one of her water wings and began to gently rock the hammock.

“Hey, Lapis,” said Peridot. “I’m trying to watch CPH. You’re gonna put me to sleep if you keep doing that.”

“Yeah, that’s the point, Peri,” said Lapis, smiling. “You should get some rest, especially if your gem is feeling better.”

“Fine,” said Peridot. The ice against her gem really did feel amazing, and she was far too exhausted to argue. The comforting sounds of her favorite TV show began to blend into her dreams as she fell asleep.

Lapis gently picked up the ice pack from her gemstone to check her temperature and what she was dreaming about. It wasn’t anything in particular, just an abstract blend of trees, CPH characters and the lair. She put the ice pack back down as her phone buzzed.

**BismuthTime:** hows peri doing

**bob:** her gem’s super hot, i hope this is the worst of it

**bob:** i got her to sleep with an ice pack on so that should help

**BismuthTime:** well thats good

**BismuthTime:** need anything

**bob:** no, i think there’s nothing really you can do

**bob:** thanks for offering

**BismuthTime:** arent you worried youre gonna get it

**bob:** yeah, but i’m wearing a gem cover

**bob:** and it’s not like i can just leave peri alone

**bob:** guess it’s the chance i have to take

**BismuthTime:** aww thats real love lapis

**bob:** oh please

**bob:** i’ve dealt with gem fever without anyone to help and it sucked

**bob:** i can’t leave peri to that

**BismuthTime:** like i said real love

**bob:** how do you think she got it anyway?

**bob:** does anyone else in little homeworld have it?

**BismuthTime:** peris the first i heard of

**BismuthTime:** but i heard its all over some of homeworlds bigger cities so it was really only a matter of time

**BismuthTime:** even yellow diamond got it

**bob:** so peri would have had to catch it from someone who went to homeworld?

**bob:** oh stars

**bob:** she was showing zircs her new game

* * *

She sat in a holding cell. It was incredibly hot, and her head was pounding. She had been in holding cells countless times -- though never before as the prisoner -- and she couldn’t remember any time when it had been this hot.

The door slid open and a Morganite entered. “Good news! I’m here to carry out your sentence!”

“How is that good news? Don’t I get a trial?!”

“Ugh.” The Morganite rolled her eyes. “Of course you’d say that. You committed treason to the Diamonds’ faces. Not sure what you think a trial would accomplish?”

Zircon involuntarily backed away from the Morganite. “Are you here to shatter me?”

“Nope, you’re getting harvested!”

“Harvested?! No. No no no no.” Blind panic gripped her. The heat in the room somehow intensified.

“You’re gonna be a wall! Don’t worry, you’ll enjoy it once we reduce your intelligence to about 30% of what it is now.”

There was a soft but insistent pressure on her chest. Her eyes flew open. The oppressive heat remained, but the walls were white instead of pink, and there was a gray cat staring her in the face.

“Hi, Stormy,” she said weakly. “Your mom is dying. At least I’m not a wall, though.”

A sudden pounding on her door reverberated painfully through her head. “The office is closed!” she called out as loudly as she could. 

“You’ll wanna open the door anyway!” It was Bismuth. “Special delivery!”

Zircon pulled herself off the couch, feeling as though her form was destabilizing in slow motion. She opened the door. Bismuth was standing there, holding a large sack. “Rise and shine, patient zero!”

“I -- Bis -- what?” said Zircon, attempting to process.

“I brought you ice!” Bismuth dumped the sack just inside her doorway. She tossed Zircon a smaller ice pack. “Put this on your gem. Refill it when it melts. Get some rest.”

Zircon’s eyes widened. “You brought me ice?” She pressed the little ice pack to her gem. “Oh my stars, sweet relief. Bis, you’re a lifesaver. Thank you so much.”

“Hey, no problem,” said Bismuth. “Once you feel more functional you should probably feed your cat.”

“Oh, that’s why she was climbing all over me!”

* * *

**CourtLawyerZircon:** So how is Lapis doing?

**PERI5XG:** NOT SO BAD

**PERI5XG:** I’VE BEEN WORKING ON INVENTING AN ICE PACK THAT DOESN’T MELT 

**PERI5XG:** BUT UNTIL THAT WORKS I’M MONITORING HER FOR NIGHTMARES AROUND THE CLOCK 

**PERI5XG:** AND PLAYING HER FAVORITE MUSIC AND WHISPERING COMFORTING THINGS AT HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I’m so sorry I got everyone sick. :(

**PERI5XG:** EH IF IT WASN’T YOU IT WOULD’VE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE

**PERI5XG:** WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND IS HOW YOU’RE STILL SICK

**PERI5XG:** I’VE BEEN FINE FOR LIKE TWO DAYS

**CourtLawyerZircon:** I am not a resilient Gem, Peri.

**PERI5XG:** NEED ANY MORE ICE

**CourtLawyerZircon:** No thanks, I have plenty for now.

**CourtLawyerZircon:** It will be awfully nice to get back to work instead of just having horrible fever dreams about work.

**PERI5XG:** YEAH I BET

**PERI5XG:** OH LAPIS JUST WOKE UP I’D BETTER CHECK HER ICE

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Hope she feels better soon!

**PERI5XG:** YEAH YOU TOO, PUT DOWN THE PHONE AND CHILL OUT

**PERI5XG:** LITERALLY

  
  



	8. The Shattered Sword

Connie knocked on the door to Bismuth’s new forge in Little Homeworld. 

“Come on in!” she heard from inside.

She pushed open the door, a blast of dry heat hitting her in the face. The forge was filled to the brim with what appeared to be construction materials for Little Homeworld, as well as piles of weapons and armor. The metal sparkled in the light from the flowing lava at the back of the forge. Bismuth was standing in front of a small waterfall, cooling off an object that Connie couldn’t identify.

“Hi Bismuth!” she said cheerfully. “I hope I’m not bothering you!”

“Not at all! Actually, I’ve been working on this for a couple of hours and could use a break.” She put down the strange object and wiped sweat off her brow with a nearby towel, tossing it onto a pile. “What’s up?”

“Well…” Connie shuffled her feet nervously. “I feel like I never got to properly thank you for making me a new sword.”

Bismuth sat down on one of the warm stone benches near the waterfall, motioning Connie to sit with her. “What are you talking about? I’m pretty sure I heard you say thanks. Besides, I was happy to make it for you. Making swords is kinda my thing, you know?” She smiled thoughtfully. “So, do you like it?”

“I love it!” said Connie. “It’s so much easier for me to wield than --” She stopped herself as she remembered the real reason she had come to the forge.

“Than Rose’s sword?” Bismuth finished for her.

Connie nodded, suddenly nervous. “I -- that’s actually what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Bismuth asked in confusion.

“I broke Rose’s sword! I know that you made it, and it must have meant a lot to you, and I carelessly broke it. I’m sorry.”

Bismuth was surprised, but then threw her head back and laughed. “Is that what you’re worried about? Connie, you have nothing to apologize for.” 

“You’re not upset about it?”

Bismuth put a friendly arm around Connie’s shoulders. “Listen, Connie. I watched you in that fight. You broke that sword against Blue Diamond, defending your friends. That’s  _ exactly _ how I wanted that sword to be used. You shouldn’t apologize. You should be proud!” She smiled at Connie. “You know what I think? I think the Crystal Gems are lucky to have someone like you.”

Connie blushed. “Do you mean that?”

“I sure do! You know that Pearl talks about you all the time?”

“She does?!” Connie could barely contain her excitement.

“That’s right. I haven’t got as much time to talk to her as I hoped, on account of how busy everyone is, but last time I caught her for a few minutes, it was all about how great you’ve been doing with your sword fighting lessons.”

“I love Pearl’s lessons!” said Connie. “She’s taught me so much. I always worry about imposing on her time…”

“Well, I don’t think you are. Actually…”

“What?”

“I should stop by your lessons sometime. Pearl’s a great fighter, but she doesn’t know _ everything, _ you know. I could teach you a few tricks.”

Connie had gone starry-eyed. “That would be so much fun!”

“It’s a plan then!” Bismuth stood up from the bench. “Speaking of lessons, wanna see how to make something cool?”

“You mean make something in the forge? Yes!”

“Well, you’ve already got a sword. How about… a spear?”

Connie made a face. “That’s Pearl’s weapon, though.”

“Yeah, imagine if you turned up to her lesson with your very own spear and asked her to teach you how to use it?”

“Would she?!”

“Connie, I think she’d love to teach you anything. Now come over here, I’m gonna show you how to make a high quality weapon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I missed another day. Work and the news has turned me into an even more intense ball of pure anxiety than normal. I'm now on official work from home status, which is perhaps good for my writing output but bad for my sanity.


	9. Pre-Law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here in Little Homeworld, it's Support Connie Week.

Zircon had her entire capacity of screens displayed before her as she worked on her current project: reviewing the rules of what flaws could and should be corrected in the kindergarten. Some of the rules were sensible -- anything that might render a Gem immobile, for example -- but many were clearly aimed at removing individuality and ensuring compliance, and it wasn’t always easy to ascertain which was which. 

Lost in thought, the sharp knock at the door startled her.

“Come in!” she called, collapsing down her screens as Connie entered the room.

“Zircs!” she said, her voice full of joy. “Are you busy? Got a minute?”

“Well, I  _ am _ fairly busy, but I think I can spare enough time for you and that paper you’re waving around.” Zircon felt a small measure of her stress drop. Whatever Connie was so excited about, it was infectious.

Connie slapped the paper on Zircon’s desk, eyes shining. “Read it!”

“‘Dear Ms. Maheswaran, I am delighted to inform you that the Committee of Admissions has accepted you to --’ Oh my stars, this is it! The program you wanted! You got accepted!”

“Yes!” Connie bounced. “They’re giving me a scholarship, too. This is it!”

“Oh, I’m so proud of you!” said Zircon, wiping away a tear. “I was worried you wouldn’t -- I mean, I knew you  _ could _ obviously, but I don’t really understand how they choose people for these things -- you’re going to be an actual human lawyer! That’s so exciting!”

“Well, not exactly --”

“Yes, yes, you need to get through your training first.”

“Well, yes, but this is just pre-law, remember?” Connie explained. “If I want to go to an actual law school, I’ll have to do another whole round of applications, and it’ll be even more competitive.”

“What?!” said Zircon, shocked. “You’d have to do this all over again? Wasn’t it bad enough the first time?!”

“Yeah, you’re not wrong… but that’s how it works. And that’s if I even make it through the pre-law program. They say only one in three people actually finishes.”

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t you finish?”

“The classes are really hard. You have to take all sorts of tests, and if you don’t do well enough, you could fail out of the program.”

Zircon’s stress levels had risen all the way to the top again. “Connie, this is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. They would just kick you out of the program? And then you’d never actually get to be a human lawyer?”

“I mean, yeah, that can happen. It happens to a lot of people.” Connie fidgeted. “And even if you do all that, and get into a law school, and then finish all  _ that,  _ there’s still the bar exam and actually getting a job,  _ and then _ you have your entire career to worry about.”

“Oh,  _ stars,” _ said Zircon, both hands on her temples. “I don’t know how you humans function! That is far too much pressure for anyone! If it were me, the first rejection would have probably cracked me.”

Connie laughed nervously. “It’s definitely not easy. Just… one step at a time, I guess? I got into the program, and I can worry about all that other stuff later.”

“That’s right!” Zircon hastily tried to recompose herself. “I’ve been ruining your triumphant moment with all my fretting, haven’t I? I’m so proud of you for making it through this! This calls for a celebration!”

“A celebration? Weren’t you busy?”

“Yes, I’m very busy. Busy celebrating a friend’s accomplishment!”

“Okay!” Connie laughed. “How about… shopping spree at the used bookstore?”

“Oh no, I’m almost out of room for books.”

“So, not the used bookstore then?”

“I didn’t say that! Of course I want to go!” Zircon glanced over at her shelves. When she had first arrived, she was baffled at being given so much shelving and storage. Her personal effects could all fit in one small desk drawer. Several years later, the shelves were bursting with books, games, knick knacks, half-finished projects from attempted hobbies, cat supplies, Solstice presents, souvenirs, snacks for human visitors, and a sizable collection of winter scarves, the only appearance modifier she had come to enjoy.

She could probably squeeze in a few more books somewhere.

“You know, you should ask Peri to build you some kind of super advanced bookcase that holds as many books as you want,” said Connie as they headed out the door.

“That seems like an invitation for Peri to build an extra-dimensional bookcase that folds the space-time continuum.”

“Yeah! It’d be great!”

“Don’t I have enough to worry about without thinking about my bookcase collapsing into a black hole and shattering me?”

“I guess, yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this when I did specifically because I thought Connie's major in college might get revealed in this episode, and I was correct!
> 
> Not about her major, but still.


	10. Peridot's Bowling Shoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING: Major character death in this drabble only**

Peridot threw her screwdriver across the room. It bounced off a table and ricocheted back at her, nearly hitting the TV -- she managed to stop it in midair just in time. She dropped it and it clattered to the floor.

She leaned back in her chair. “I just can’t get this working, Lapis. Guess I’m just unfocused. You’d probably tell me to take a break, huh?” She looked back at the replicator that was stubbornly not fixing itself. “Guess I can tell myself to take a break.”

She climbed into the hammock, fetching Lapis’s bubble from where it floated nearby. She held it close -- but not too close. She had popped it before by hugging it too hard, spilling the shards all over herself and feeling simultaneously devastated and embarrassed.

They told her that a Gem that had all of her shards collected in a bubble was at peace. She hoped that was true, but she knew that no one really knew. She wondered what it was like when she popped the bubble accidentally. She hoped it wasn’t scary or painful.

“Honestly, I haven’t been able to focus much at all this last week. I thought I was getting better when I was on a roll with my garden, but… I guess not.” The shards bobbed gently behind their veil of neon green. “Is it ever gonna get easier, Lapis?”

She glanced over at her phone sitting on a nearby table, silent and inert. “Sometimes I think… they’re not hanging out with me because I’m not really Peridot anymore. That sounds stupid, huh? I’m not like I was, I can’t really cheer them up or have fun or even do anything useful. It’s been over a year now. This is probably super selfish, but… I really wish things could go back to normal.”

“I mean --” She lifted her head from where she had rested it on the bubble. “I know things can never really be normal again, not without you! It’s just… they’re all gonna leave me behind, Lapis. I don’t know what to do.”

A knock on the door nearly caused Peridot to drop the bubble. “Peri? You there?” called Steven’s voice.

“Steven! Just a second!” She was simultaneously thrilled to see him and upset with herself for getting all worked up -- she couldn’t let Steven see her this way. She hastily replaced Lapis’ bubble in its spot, used a blanket to scrub the tears out of her eyes as best she could, and hopped out of the hammock, opening the door.

“Hey, Peri!” Steven said, looking cheerful but tired. “Me and the rest of the Crystal Gems are going out bowling. You wanna come?”

Bowling with the Crystal Gems. That was something she had enjoyed in the past (Lapis laughing as Peridot threw a gutterball) and therefore theoretically something she could enjoy today (Lapis using the water from Steven's drink to push Peridot’s ball into a strike). It would be good for her.

“Oh, that sounds fun!” Peridot smiled, trying to make it genuine. She  _ wanted _ it to be genuine. (Lapis refusing to wear bowling shoes because of how they smelled like human sweat.) “Let me just grab my phone.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be okay, Peri,” said Steven, when her back was turned.

“I’m not pretending!” she said, trying to keep her voice from cracking. “I’m perhaps -- not in optimal condition today, but I want to do this. I want to spend time with you guys.”

She grabbed her phone and turned around, her face colliding with Steven’s stomach. “Peri, you don’t have to pretend,” he said, pulling her into a hug. “We all love you and want to spend time with you even if you’re not okay."

“It’s been a year, Steven!” Peridot couldn’t keep herself from sobbing. “I just want things to be  _ normal _ for just  _ one day--”  _

(Bismuth and Pearl were unstoppable, somehow bowling near-perfect games. Lapis kissed Peridot on the gemstone. “Okay, yeah, we lost pretty badly, but at least you’re not as bad at this as Zircs.” Zircon shot them a fake glare. Amethyst laughed and shoved half a pizza into her mouth.)

She had melted down crying in Steven’s arms, just like she had said to herself she wouldn’t do.

“The last time we went bowling, I didn’t  _ know _ it was the last time, if I had known I would’ve…”

(“You look cute in those horrible shoes.” “I do  _ not!”) _

“Peri,” said Steven. “You don’t need to be okay to come with us. I know you think you do, but you don’t. You’re not going to spoil the night. Even if you can’t handle it and have to leave, that’s okay too. We want you to be there, I promise. And not, like, pretending to be okay. Actual you.”

“Even if I cry over bowling shoes?”

_ “Especially _ if you cry over bowling shoes.”

Peridot clutched Steven tighter. “It’s just not fair,” said said softly. “I had thousands of years without her and only eight years with her. It’s not fair.”

“No, it isn’t fair.” Steven choked back a sob. “I miss her too.”

Suddenly, they were both enveloped into a third set of arms. “I love you guys!” Amethyst sobbed.

“Amethyst?!” Steven half-laughed, half-cried.

“They sent me to find you guys ‘cause you were taking a while.” Amethyst released them from the hug and faced Peridot. “Peri, don’t you  _ ever _ feel like we don’t want you, okay? We can’t lose any more Gems.”

Peridot tearfully nodded.

(“Why are you so upset about this? It’s just a silly human game.”

“I don’t know!” said Peridot. “This week’s just been awful, nothing’s gone right, and now I can’t even throw a ball straight.” She sighed. “Sorry I ruined the night by being so cranky.”

“Meh,” said Lapis. “You didn’t ruin my night. I had fun.”

“Really? But we did terribly!”

“You won at the most important thing.”

“Which is…?”

“Looking cute in bowling shoes.”

Lapis scooped Peridot up into a hug before she could protest.

“Fine,” said Peridot, her stress and anger melting away. “You win. But next time we go bowling, we’re gonna have to do better. We’re gonna need to plan a strategy, Lapis! Maybe I can glue a little paper clip to the bowling ball so I can control it without anyone noticing…”

“I think they’re probably going to catch on pretty quick if you do that,” said Lapis. “Also… you do really need to take those shoes off. You’re starting to smell like human sweat.”

“Sorry.”)


	11. Last Connie Out of Beach City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Support Connie Week transitions into Fusions Week, as I have three fusion related drabbles!
> 
> Connie deserves to have some fun after Friday's episodes, right?

_ Evaluate the extent to which trans-Atlantic interactions fostered change in labor systems in the British North American colonies from 1600 to 1763. _

Connie took a deep breath and stared down the blank sheet of paper. She was almost finished with her AP US History practice test. All she had to do was write this essay. She knew this topic well. She could totally nail this.

Just generate a quick outline and get to work.

...it wasn’t happening.

Tension rose within her as she looked at the timer she had set. She couldn’t afford to freeze up like this on the actual test. These were precious minutes she couldn’t let slip by. If she wanted to get into her ideal college program, a good score on AP US History was critical.

Something thumped against her window.

She ignored it. She had to stay focused and disciplined.

Something thumped against her window again.

She sighed and turned off the timer, quietly glad that she had an excuse to put the essay aside, at least for a moment. She opened her window and looked out.

There was a large, light green Gem standing outside on the sidewalk. Her form was streaked with grayish marks. She wore a green leather jacket and a button-down shirt that exposed the gemstone on her chest -- an inward-facing rectangle. A smooth, round gemstone sat in the middle of her forehead, just above her four eyes.

“Serpentine? What are you doing here?” Connie was surprised, but excited. She had seen Bismuth and Pearl’s fusion before, when training together. Her sheer power and grace made her practically unstoppable -- but she was, of course, always gentle with Connie and careful not to harm her.

It had been a while since she’d been able to attend sword training. Sword-fighting wasn’t going to get her into college, after all.

“Hey, Connie!” the fusion called, waving. “Hope you’re free tonight.”

“I’m --” She desperately wanted to say yes. “I’m kind of in the middle of a practice test right now.”

“How many of those practice tests have you done?”

“Six, but --”

“And how many all-ages concerts have you been to?”

“All-ages? Concert?” Connie thought about it. “I went to a Kidz Jam concert once when I was eight…”

“C’mon, this is one night only,” said Serpentine, waving a flyer printed on neon pink paper.

Her mom was working late. She’d never find out. She didn’t have enough focus to properly write an essay anyway.

“Okay!” Connie laughed. “Uh, just a second. I should probably change…?”

Connie flew to her closet and threw open the doors to find…

Polo shirts. Tasteful, neutral colored blouses. A few flowery sundresses. Overalls. Shirts from Space Camp and Math League.

Serpentine was so cool, and she was the biggest dork in the universe. She was going to be such an embarrassment. Why hadn’t Serpentine brought Steven along? At least Stevonnie was somehow cool.

She pulled out a plain black t-shirt and jeans. It wasn’t cool, but at least she didn’t look like she was going to a job interview or quiz bowl.

She ran down the stairs and out the door. Serpentine was sitting on a run-down motorcycle, holding a small helmet.

“Hi! Where are we going? Is what I’m wearing okay? Are we going on that motorcycle?”

“Hey, relax, kid. You look fine. Here, put this helmet on.” She handed Connie the helmet. “Steven was wearing it last, so you’ll probably need to adjust the straps. Safety first, right?”

“This is so cool,” said Connie. “Where’d you get a motorcycle?”

“Borrowed it,” said Serpentine. 

“What kind of concert is this?”

“Some of Pearl’s friends know some people. Just some local bands.” Serpentine smiled down at Connie, who had secured the helmet. “Steven was saying how much you’d been studying, and Pearl was talking to her human friends, and they thought that going to a real concert was an important part of being a human teenager.”

Connie nodded. “I’ve always wanted to do something like this. I mean --” She blushed. “My friends aren’t really into this kind of thing. I’m not, you know, exactly… cool…”

Serpentine put a hand on her shoulder. “You don’t need to be cool to enjoy music. Music is for everyone.”

Connie was starry-eyed. “Yeah! That’s right!”

“C’mon.” Serpentine sat on the motorcycle and motioned Connie to sit behind her. “Hold on tight.”

As they sped off, Connie couldn’t help squealing in glee. The wind whipped through the hair sticking out of her helmet as they sped through town.

They arrived at a brick building, smaller than Connie expected. There were neon pink fliers like the one Serpentine had been holding plastered all over the front. A crowd of interestingly dressed people hung around the entrance. Serpentine found a spot on a nearby street to park.

“I’m gonna unfuse for a sec to say hi to our friends, okay?” 

Connie nodded as Serpentine turned into Bismuth and Pearl, who herded her towards the concert venue. A girl with pink hair spotted them approaching. “Hey Pearl! Hey Bis! Who’s this girl?”

“This is Connie,” said Pearl. “She’s still in high school. She’s never been to a concert before.”

“Oh!” The girl’s face lit up in glee. “This is the one you were talking about! The one who fights with swords!”

Connie blushed. “...Yeah,” she said, suddenly shy.

“I remember my first concert. I was a little younger than you. My aunt took me. It was what got me into the scene. I hope you love it.” She turned to Pearl. “So how’s it feel to be the cool aunt?”

Pearl laughed. “Like destiny.”

“You were always the best at introducing new Gems to the Rebellion,” said Bismuth, looking at her fondly. “It’s kind of nice to be introducing people to music instead.”

“It is,” Pearl agreed, face shining.

“Wow, are these two always like this?” the pink haired girl asked Connie.

“Just recently.” Connie giggled. “I’m really happy for them.”

Bismuth faked a look of shock. “Are we really that bad?”

“Yes!” said Connie emphatically.

“We’d better fuse again before we embarrass Connie,” said Pearl.

“On it,” said Bismuth. She pulled Pearl close and tossed her in the air in one fluid motion, fusing back into Serpentine as Bismuth caught Pearl in midair.

“That’s so cool,” said the pink-haired girl in awe. “I wish I could do that.”

“I’ve done it before,” said Connie, gathering up her confidence.

“Really?” said the pink-haired girl. “What’s it like?”

“Like…” As usual, Stevonnie was almost impossible to describe to people who had never fused before. Which was most people. “It’s like you’re yourself, but also someone else at the same time, and also a third person who is the best and worst parts of both of you.”

“Wow. Okay.” The girl laughed. “Hey, the show’s gonna start soon. We’d better get inside.”

Serpentine led Connie into the venue, which was oppressively packed full of people. “Hey, you want a t-shirt?” she asked Connie. “Concert tradition.”

Connie could barely see the stand selling t-shirts from where she was crushed in the crowd. “Uh, that’s okay.”

Serpentine led Connie through double doors into the actual club, which was jammed full of people. Connie was excited, but starting to feel uneasy. There were so many people, all of whom seemed somehow used to this sort of environment. The noise was raucous and the lights were harsh. 

This really, really wasn’t her scene.

In a few minutes, the lights dimmed and the first act came out. She had expected the band to be elaborately dressed in stage costumes, but was surprised that they were wearing black t-shirts and jeans like she was. The lead singer had black hair, half-shaved, and sparkling nose and lip piercings. She looked effortlessly cool in a way that Connie knew she never, ever would.

Then the band started to play, and every single warning her mom had drilled into her about damaging her hearing immediately popped into Connie’s mind. It was so loud that her ears actually hurt after just a few minutes. The lights were flashing, and people in the crowd were bumping into her as they bounced to the music.

She couldn’t take it. She had to get out of here. She was surrounded and couldn’t leave.

Suddenly, she felt herself being scooped off the ground by Serpentine, whose large size enabled her to effortlessly break through the crowd. She took Connie outside and set her down on the sidewalk. The relative quiet and soft moonlight were an immense relief, but her ears were still ringing.

“Connie, are you okay?” said Serpentine.

“I--” Tears ran down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can handle it. It’s too much.”

“Hey, hey!” Serpentine enveloped her in a comforting hug. “That’s fine, Connie! This was probably a lot for you for a first concert. I wasn’t thinking. Don’t feel bad for having to back out of something that makes you uncomfortable, okay?”

“But--” said Connie. “I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be cool! I’ll never be cool like that.”

Serpentine laughed. “You think everyone in there is cool?”

Connie nodded briskly.

“Haha, you don’t know them. Just because they dress like that and like loud music doesn’t mean they’re somehow  _ cool. _ You know the lead singer of that band runs a Dungeons & Dragons podcast?”

Connie laughed. “Really?”

“Yeah. You talk to a lot of them, they’re just college students, office workers… just humans.”

“Just humans,” Connie repeated.

“Nothing wrong with being just a human,” said Serpentine. “Some of my favorite people are just humans, you know.” She ruffled Connie’s hair.

“Sorry if I ruined your concert, though. I don’t think I can go back in there. Maybe I can call Steven and see if he’ll send over Lion…”

“Nah,” said Serpentine. “Let’s do something fun for both of us. Wanna go train?”

“Really?” said Connie. “Yes!”

“Oh, one thing, though.” Serpentine pulled a concert t-shirt out of her forehead gemstone. “This is for you!”

“A concert t-shirt?” Connie clutched it tight. “But I didn’t  _ really _ go…”

“What are you talking about? You’re here. It counts. You know how many people buy these shirts that have never even been this close?” Serpentine laughed. “Just make sure you don’t wear a band’s t-shirt to their own concert.”

“I’ll remember,” said Connie, seriously.

“I’m just kidding! Connie, don’t be so quick to accept silly rules like that. Time goes by too fast to worry about that kind of thing. Do what you like.”

Connie smiled. “I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I was looking for a Gem that could be the fusion of Bismuth and Pearl, I came across this description of serpentine: "The serpent’s energy is one of transformation and rebirth, as it releases its old skin and embodies a new version of itself again and again." This certainly sounds like the two of them!
> 
> The next chapter of Professionals is proving to be rather stressful, but I'm hoping to get it out tomorrow! Hope everyone is staying safe and sane!
> 
> Also, check out [Boundless Future](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21994420/chapters/52485664) by [RaineLionheart!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineLionheart/pseuds/RaineLionheart) Like Professionals, it deals with the transition into Era 3 and also features a Zircs infused with Earth Madness. :D


	12. Too Fused to Ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fusion week continues with the second of three fusion related stories!

“It’s been ages since we’ve all gone to Funland together,” said Steven, smiling cheerfully as he walked down the stairs of the beach house. “I’ve really missed the Shorty Squad.”

“Well, you should have said something!” said Peridot. “We’ve been here this whole time, we’ve just been… busy.”

Peridot couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt. Amethyst was a key member of the Little Homeschool staff, and out of the time left over from that job, she spent a huge portion of it personally counseling Gems and helping them adjust to Earth life. Peridot, of course, was completely swamped these days, between her many duties as Little Homeworld’s Chief Technician, the improvements she wanted to make to the town, her personal projects and experiments, her critical TV watching and video gaming, and of course her relationship with Lapis. Neither of them had been spending much time with Steven lately, and it had become abundantly clear that he really, really needed it -- hence the impromptu trip to Funland, just like old times.

The notion that something that happened just a few years ago should be “old times” was ludicrous on its face, but that was Earth for you.

“Hey, let’s race to Funland!” said Amethyst. “First one to get there gets to pick what we do first.”

“A race?” Peridot looked over at Steven and grinned. He looked confused for a second and then caught on, grabbing her hand.

“Wait, what are you guys…” Amethyst turned to see a bright flash of white light.

“You’re on!” shouted Rutilated Quartz, Steven and Peridot’s fusion. 

“That’s not…” Amethyst couldn’t even finish her sentence before Tilly sped off in the blink of an eye. “...fair.”

Amethyst started running towards Funland to catch up, only to have Tilly circle around back again. 

“Hi Ams! Bye Ams!”

Amethyst scowled and produced her whip from her gem. 

“Hey Ams, what’s taking so--”

Amethyst snagged Tilly in her whip as she taunted her again -- not with enough force to actually harm her friends, just enough to trip them up. Tilly shrieked and skidded across the sand, entangled in the whip. 

“Hey, not fair!”

“Was fusing and racing off without me fair?” said Amethyst, grinning and helping Tilly to their feet.

“You didn’t say no fusions!” they pointed out.

“Fine, fine. You win. Good job not unfusing when I hit you, by the way.”

Tilly bounced joyfully, fast enough that they looked as though they were vibrating. “I’ve been practicing existing! I’m so glad you noticed! Hey, are we to Funland yet? I wanna do _everything!”_ They ran around Amethyst in a small circle as they made their way down the Boardwalk.

“Well, you won the race. What do you want to do first?” said Amethyst.

Tilly sprang from one foot to the other. “Um, I don’t know… the arcade? I haven’t tried video games yet, I bet I’m really good at them!”

“You sure you don’t wanna try the roller coaster?”

“I’m too short, Ams, I’m even shorter than Peri -- wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. Steven can shapeshift! That means I can shapeshift, right?” Tilly’s bouncing intensified.

“Worth a try, right?”

With great effort, Tilly managed to stop moving long enough to try and concentrate on shapeshifting. They knew how to do it… or at least Steven did… sort of.

“Y’know, Tilly, I don’t think straining really hard is the way to do it.”

“No, no, I think it’s working! It has to work, right?” Tilly screwed their eyes shut and focused all of their considerable energy on making their legs longer, as Amethyst looked on with skepticism. 

Their concentration was broken by a soft meowing noise. They looked down to see that one of their fingers had turned into a tiny, adorable kitten. Tilly shrieked and held their hand as far away from them as possible. “Aaaaaah, noooooo, how is this happening?!”

Amethyst quickly grabbed a bottle of water out of a tourist’s hand and drenched the cat finger. “Not sure this is really working, Tills.”

“Why wouldn’t it work?” said Tilly, enthusiasm deflating. “Steven can shapeshift. Why can’t I?”

“Well, P-dot can’t shapeshift, and honestly, Steven’s never been all that good at it, probably ‘cause he’s organic. Like, if both parts are bad at something, fusing can actually make that worse, y’know?”

“I guess so. Wanna try the arcade instead?”

“Nah, I got an idea. Steven’s tall enough to ride on his own without even shapeshifting now. And Peri needs to fuse with someone who’s _good_ at shapeshifting, right?”

Tilly’s face lit up. “Oh, really?!”

“Yeah! C’mon, unfuse and we can try.”

In a flash, Tilly turned back into Steven and Peridot. “You’re really okay with doing this, Amethyst?” asked Peridot.

“Yeah, why not? Could be fun,” said Amethyst. “Let’s dance.”

“I don’t… really… dance…” said Peridot, nervously.

“Oh. I guess when you fuse with Steven you just kind of spin, right? I can do that!”

Before Peridot realized what was happening, Amethyst had grabbed her by the hand and whirled her around at top speed -- which was considerably higher than Steven’s top speed. Peridot, who was still slightly dizzy from the super-fast Tilly, felt like she was about to destabilize. 

“Remember, sync your emotions!” Steven called out.

“Yeah, how do you feel, Peri?!” Amethyst yelled.

“Like I’m dying!” Peridot yelled back.

“Oh, I can work with that. I feel that way all the time! Ready?”

Peridot was more dizzy than anything, but she supposed she was as ready as she’d ever be. “Sure!”

Amethyst suddenly pulled in Peridot, hard. They were crashing into each other and tumbling across the boardwalk, and there was a bright light…

“Amethyst! Peridot! Are you okay?” Steven ran over. “Whoa.”

She sat up. “Did I get it?” She held out one arm, white with black marble streaks. “WHOA!” she screamed. “I got it! Check it out, Steven!”

Steven instinctively flinched back. “Yeah, you did. You’re, uh, a little loud, though?”

The new fusion looked around her. Both Gems and humans were staring in her general direction. “Sorry!” she said, quieter than before but still loud enough to attract attention. “I was just excited!”

“I can tell.” Steven laughed. “What’s your name?”

“Howlite.” She didn’t know how she knew that, she just did. She stood up, taking in her surroundings. Colors were so bright and the air felt so fresh. It just felt really good to be alive, here with her best friend Steven.

“So you wanna try shapeshifting so we can ride the roller coaster?”

“Well, I’m a fusion, right, so I should be tall enough to -- oh.” Howlite realized that she was shorter than Steven, probably even shorter than Amethyst had been. “Why does PERIDOT make fusions SHORTER?!” she yelled.

“Don’t ask me! I’m not a fusion expert. You should try talking to Garnet.”

“Right,” she said. Her Peridot half was thrilled to try shapeshifting for the first time, and her Amethyst half always enjoyed it. She thought about it for a second, and with very little effort her legs elongated until she was much taller than Steven.

“Hey, you did it! Nice!” 

“I DID IT!” cheered Howlite, startling a kid on a nearby bench so much that he dropped his ice cream on the pavement. “I wonder what else I can do?” She shapeshifted into a mimicry of Steven. “Steven.” She made herself shorter. “Classic Steven!” She tried some more forms. “Garnet. Amethyst. Pearl. Lion. A horse. A bird. A car. Steven, this is SO MUCH FUN.”

“Great! Don’t overdo it, though. Doesn’t shapeshifting use up a lot of energy?”

“Yeah, I guess, but I’m a Fusion! I’m fine.” Howlite shifted as rapidly as she could think of things, until they all blurred together and she began to lose control of her form. “Hold on, I think something’s--”

She split back into her component parts. Amethyst’s head was enormous and her legs were tiny. Peridot had one giant arm and her head was shaped like a trapezoid. 

“Oh, whoops,” said Amethyst, as she restored herself back to her normal form.

Peridot twitched helplessly on the boardwalk. “I can’t shift back, Amethyst! I’m stuck this way.”

“Oh, _shoot,”_ said Amethyst. “We’re just gonna have to poof you.”

“What?! No!” Peridot recoiled. “That _hurts,_ you clod! I don’t want to waste the afternoon regenerating either!”

“Well, we might not have a choice…” said Steven.

“We can just fuse again,” said Amethyst.

“How do you expect me to fuse when I’m like _this?”_

“We just have to sync our emotions, right? You’re mad at me. I’m mad at me all the time! Easy, right?”

“I don’t think that’s how it wooooooorks…!” 

Amethyst picked up Peridot mid-sentence and began to swing her around in the air again.

“Still mad at me, P?”

“Yes! Increasingly so!” 

“Awesome, let’s do this!” Amethyst pulled Peridot in hard and a second later they had fused once more.

Howlite stood up from the boardwalk and admired her four arms, two large and two small. “IT WORKED!” Passerby flinched as she shouted. “It worked,” she said in a slightly quieter tone. “Maybe no more shapeshifting for now.”

“So you don’t wanna ride the roller coaster, then?” asked Steven.

“OH YES I DO!” Howlite’s face lit up as she stretched her legs out. “C’mon, let’s go!”

They passed a few food stands as they headed to the roller coaster. 

“Hey, I can shapeshift now! Does that mean I can eat?!”

“Sure, I don’t see why not.”

“STEVEN!” Howlite grabbed his arms and shouted in his face, causing him to flinch. “Sorry. Can we get food after this? What do you think my first food should be? What do you think the _best_ food is?”

“Oh, um… ice cream?”

Howlite’s face lit up in pure glee. “Yes! Peri’s always wanted to try ice cream. It looks so pretty and colorful!” 

Steven laughed. “You’re gonna love it.”

**Three Hours Later**

“Uggggh,” said Amethyst, sprawled out on the beach painfully. “Maybe eating ice cream, pizza, fry bits, cotton candy, salt-water taffy, burritos, funnel cakes, mozzarella sticks, clam chowder, and dim sum was a bad idea, even for me.”

“You forgot the deep-fried Oreos,” said Peridot, weakly.

“Yeah, those were awesome.” Amethyst looked over at where Peridot was curled up on her side. “So, uh, how was your first food experience?”

“It was amazing,” said Peridot, stars in her eyes. “It was everything I dreamed it would be. But now I don’t especially want to move for the next thousand years.”

“Sounds good to me,” said Amethyst.

A low groaning noise came from the general vicinity of Steven. Peridot rolled over to face him. “Steven, are you okay?”

“I really, really, really, really should not have tried to keep up with you,” said Steven, holding his stomach.

“Is your organic half damaged?” asked Peridot, concerned. “Do you need a human doctor?”

“No, no, I’ll be fine,” he said. “Might take you up on your idea to not move for a thousand years.”

“Sorry you’re so sick,” said Peridot. “Today was supposed to be for you to have fun.”

“Are you kidding? I had so much fun trying out all sorts of food with you!” Steven smiled, then winced a bit as his stomach gurgled. “Just maybe next time, we skip the deep-fried Oreos.”

“But those were the best part!” Amethyst protested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time choosing a Gem for this fusion. I went with Howlite because a gem meaning site said it was about letting go of caring about what people think of you and enjoying life, which I thought felt fitting for Amethyst and Peridot.
> 
> I have so many shitty gem meaning websites in my browser history now. At least one more new fusion tomorrow!


	13. An Extremely Organized Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fusion week continues with what has become the third of four fusion related stories!

“...so they deep-fry the Oreos, and you might not think those two things would go together, but the combination of sugar and grease is actually _amazing.”_

“You realize that I’ve never actually eaten anything in my life, right? All of these descriptions are a bit like trying to describe colors to a blind Gem.”

“Oh. Right.” Peridot deflated.

“I don’t mean you have to stop telling your story!” said Zircon. “I’m just saying that the food parts are a bit lost on me.”

“Fine,” said Peridot, shifting on the couch so she was no longer sitting upside down. Lapis was at her morp studio working on a project, so Peridot had invited Zircon over to the lair for what was originally going to be TV watching but had mostly been talking about Peridot’s day. “You know what? You should fuse with a Gem who can eat. Then you’d get it.”

“Mmm, if you say so,” said Zircon, lost in thought. Truthfully, she was fairly curious about eating and the other things Peridot had told her about, but…

“You’ve never fused, right?” said Peridot.

“Of course not! When would I have?”

“I dunno. Maybe you fused with a bunch of other Zircons to form a mega-lawyer.”

Zircon tried really hard to not picture that, but did anyway. “That… doesn’t seem like a very good use of fusion.”

“You know what? We should try fusing sometime.”

“What?!”

“I’ve been practicing! I’ve fused with three different Gems now, so I’m basically an expert.” Peridot shrugged. “I mean, if you were curious.”

“I -- I mean, I don’t know…” Zircon was surprised to find herself even considering it. In her thousands of years as a defense attorney, she had defended countless Gems accused of fusing, and had won very few of those cases. One thing had stuck out to her about these cases in particular: a large percentage of the Gems involved had expressed to her that they had not regretted fusing, even if it cost them their lives or freedom, and that their only concern was the fate of their fusion partner(s). Really, she couldn’t help but wonder what was so fantastic about fusion that Gems were willing to risk everything for it.

“Okay, Zircs, you’re thinking so hard I’m pretty sure you’re going to destabilize your form.”

“You said fusion is _fun,_ right?” Zircon was trying to vocalize her questions.

“Yeah, it’s awesome! When I fused with Amethyst, it was so cool. We could shapeshift, and eat, and we could summon this giant spiked chain. Howlite was really fun and super nice, too!”

“See, right there. That’s the part I don’t understand. If you merge consciousnesses and form a new personality, how can _you_ be having fun? Isn’t it _someone else_ having fun?”

Peridot scrunched up her face. “It’s hard to explain. It’s like, you’re there, but there’s also another Gem, and also a third personality, but you’re part of that third personality and get to experience things as them.”

“That makes _zero sense!”_ said Zircon, exasperated.

“That’s why I’m saying you’re not going to know what it’s like unless you try it. Sorry.”

Zircon glared at nothing. This was a terrible idea for so many reasons. She would have _Peridot_ in her _mind._ She shouldn’t even be considering this.

...she had been wondering for _four thousand years._ They really only needed to stay fused for a few minutes, just long enough so she could comprehend what it was like and answer her questions. Even if it were horrible, it’s not like Peridot would actually harm her permanently or anything.

“All right, fine. I accept,” said Zircon.

“Are you serious?” said Peridot, with a mix of surprise and glee. “I didn’t think you’d go for it.”

“I just want to know what it’s like! What would I need to do?”

Peridot used her mind to push one of the metal work tables out of the way, books falling off of it as she did so. “We’re gonna need some space,” she said, standing up.

“For _what?”_

“Well, most Gems dance to fuse, but I know neither of us can dance, so we’re just going to hold hands and spin around really fast.”

Zircon’s eye twitched. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“It’s not just spinning, though! We have to sync emotions. That means I need to get super nervous, right?”

“I… suppose,” said Zircon, crossing her arms.

“Nervous and irritated! I think I can do that.”

“So if we’re syncing emotions, I should try to make myself enthusiastic about what is objectively a bad idea?”

“Yes!” said Peridot. “Do that!” Peridot’s brows furrowed as she tried to channel nervous irritation.

Well, if she were actually committed to doing this, she might as well play along. Zircon tried to muster Peridot-like enthusiasm. She would get her questions answered -- that was worth getting excited about, wasn’t it? Maybe it would even be fun like Peridot claimed, although she still didn’t see how.

“All right! Ready?” said Peridot, holding out a hand, apparently satisfied with her efforts to sync emotions.

“As I’ll ever be,” said Zircon, as Peridot began to spin them around at frankly dangerous speeds.

“Peri! We’re going to crash into something!”

“Hey, you can’t be alarmed! I’m trying to sync emotions with you, it’s not going to work if you keep changing them.”

“I can’t exactly help being alarmed, you know!”

“Well, stop being an emotional moving target while I try to resync, okay?”

“I’m also getting very dizzy, so you probably want to add that to your checklist!”

“I’m also getting dizzy so we’re good on that front!”

“Peri, are you _sure_ this is how you fuse?”

 _“Yes,_ I’m sure, just hang on a second--”

They lost balance and crashed into the wall.

“Ugh, I knew we were going too… fast.” They looked down at their hands and recoiled in surprise. They were blue with black and white blotches and a slight unstable flicker. “Oh, _stars!”_

They immediately threw up an enormous holographic teal screen complete with keyboard. “A new fusion! One that has likely never been formed in the entire history of the Gempire! This is an exciting scientific discovery! I _have_ to record all of the relevant data while it’s still fresh!”

Sodalite, log date 4 6 3

Fusion experiment successful

Final catalyst appears to have been Peridot experiencing genuine nervous irritation

Instability at approximately 12%, minor flickering noted near extremities

Subject is deep blue with black and white veining

Subject has four arms

Subject is wearing black coat with white scarf

Emotional status

Sodalite paused. There wasn’t, as far as they knew, any sort of accepted scientific standard for recording emotional status, and they certainly didn’t have time to invent one.

Emotional status acceptable

The amount of data they could record about themselves was limited without immediate access to any sort of measuring implements or even a mirror, though. Their components _really_ should have thought ahead and prepared for all of that to begin with.

Truthfully, Sodalite thought their components were ridiculous.

Then again, wasn’t it the case that sometimes a fusion could balance out the more extreme aspects of their components, creating a more harmonious being?

Sodalite took a quick stock of themselves.

No, they were pretty sure they were somehow even _more_ ridiculous this way.

Even worse, their components had distinct tendencies towards both anxiety and bickering, both of which were likely to threaten their stability. If they wished to continue to exist -- and there was _so much work_ they could be doing, they really didn’t see why not -- they would likely have to provide near-constant, low-stress distractions to keep their components from unraveling.

Inconvenient, but a necessary precaution.

First of all, they had to find measuring implements for taking their required data, and -- oh stars, the lair was somehow even more of a disaster than usual. Peridot hastily pushing a work table aside certainly did not help, either.

There was only one logical conclusion.

* * *

Lapis returned from her morp studio, humming to herself. She’d had a really good, productive afternoon, and now she was eager to get back home and take a nap. Hopefully, Peridot had also had a good afternoon and would be up for joining her.

She opened the door, and for a second she thought she had stepped into an alternate universe.

The work tables had been nearly cleared of all of their clutter. The many shelves, drawers, cupboards and storage units that lined the walls were now all clean and organized, except for one area in the back corner. The games and DVDs piled around the TV had been placed into neat stacks, the cords for Peridot’s many electronics now untangled and wrapped into bundles. Everything in sight had what appeared to be color-coded labels attached to them.

Lapis looked around for Peridot, who was not in immediate sight. There was a noise coming from the corner that had not yet been organized. Quietly, she made her way to the back of the lair. She tensed up to see a Gem she didn’t recognize, back turned to her.

She nearly lashed out with her water wings to dispatch the intruder, when she realized that the Gem was shelving books from a stack sitting at their feet. A strange Gem who had broken into the lair, getting past all of Peridot’s security, just to _organize_ things?

“Hello?” asked Lapis.

The Gem let out a bloodcurdling shriek, and in a flash of light had split into two far more familiar Gems.

“Peri?” said Lapis. “Zircs?!”

Peridot scrambled to her feet. “Lapis? You’re back!” Her eyes grew wide. “The lair! What did we do to the lair?!”

“It looks great!” said Zircon, admiring their handiwork.

“I’m not going to be able to find anything!” yelled Peridot, in distress.

“What are you talking about? It’s all clearly labeled! And there’s a system!”

“No, _Sodalite_ had a system. Now that we’re unfused I can’t remember half of it! I’m going to have to text _you_ whenever I want to find anything. This is your fault!”

“How is it my fault? You thought it was a good idea, too.”

“Only because I thought it would be neat to build a hyper-efficient label maker!”

“Yes, that _was_ fun,” said Zircon, with uncharacteristic glee. “I’ve never gotten to invent something like that before. The process of designing and putting it together was extremely interesting!”

“Hey!” said Peridot. “Stop expressing sincere enthusiasm when I’m trying to be fake angry at you.”

“My apologies,” said Zircon, rolling her eyes.

“I feel like I should have a bucket of popcorn for this,” said Lapis, sitting on a nearby stool.

Peridot turned to Lapis. “Help me out here!”

Lapis put a hand on Peridot’s shoulder. “Peri, you know that I love you, but just two days ago I had to pull you out of a shoulder-deep pile of machine parts that fell out of a cabinet.”

“That was… those _were_ organized, I just pulled on the wrong one…”

Zircon snickered.

“Well, you learned what fusion was like,” said Peridot to Zircon. “What did you think?”

“It was _fascinating,”_ she said. “I had my initial questions answered, but now I have an entire mental list of _new_ questions.”

“I guess Sodalite never did get to take the observations they wanted. Some other time?”

“Sure,” said Zircon, smiling. “I should be getting back to the office now, though. See you later.”

“Bye!” Peridot waved after Zircon, then turned to Lapis. “I have _such_ a tension headache.”

“Well, yeah. You fused with Zircs. She _is_ a tension headache.” Lapis lifted Peridot into the hammock, sat the smaller Gem in her lap, and gently rubbed her forehead.

“Ahhhh, that’s amazing,” said Peridot, leaning back and closing her eyes.

“Between this, overeating as Howlite, and constantly crashing into things as Tilly, I’m starting to worry that fusion is bad for your health.”

“Nah,” said Peridot. “Maybe I should take a break for a while, though.”

“Even with me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Lapis shifted her weight around to get Peridot into a more comfortable position. There was a papery rustling noise, and Lapis realized…

“Peri, did you two label the _blankets_ and _pillows?”_

“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sodalite was chosen because it's supposed to be about powers of analysis and observation. At least according to these terrible gem meaning websites.
> 
> One more fusion to go, most likely.


	14. Grounded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning: This story contains descriptions of a panic attack.**
> 
> **Spoiler Warning: Spoilers for _Mr. Universe_ and _Fragments_**

Peridot soared above the forest on a trash can lid, her eyes doing a frantic sweep of her surroundings. Nothing. 

Should she dip lower, increasing her chances of spotting a human running through the trees? Or should she go higher, expanding her field of vision -- maybe she could see a glimpse of pink, at least? Should she keep splitting the difference, as she had been doing? Change direction? 

Rewind time and do a better job of helping Steven out in the first place?

She had known for a long time that things weren’t quite right. He seemed tired in the middle of the day, less enthusiastic about things he had once enjoyed, and he was much quicker to anger. Garnet seemed to think it was a side effect of his human adolescence, a concept that Peridot could barely grasp. She had done what research she could on the internet, and it seemed to confirm what Garnet said. Humans in their teenage years often became moody and irrational, discarding old interests and habits and taking up new ones. For most, the phase would pass as they grew into adulthood.

She had also repeatedly encountered the word “hormonal” and was horrified when she looked up its meaning. It was one thing to be beholden to one’s unchanging gemstone, but to have your emotional state dependant on fluctuating, unpredictable chemicals seemed like a nightmare.

Thinking of nightmares -- the dream that Peridot had witnessed was a lot harder to chalk up to simple adolescence. She had done her best to support him and be a good friend, all the while aware of how she often felt deficient when it came to matters of interpersonal relationships. Spending time with him, listening to his concerns, distracting him from his problems with horrible reboots that should not exist -- all of those things should have theoretically helped.

They obviously didn’t help enough.

Suddenly, Peridot became impossibly dizzy, her limbs feeling heavy and uncoordinated. Her trash can lid unexpectedly flipped and she plummeted towards the ground. She tried to regain control, but she was so dizzy, and spinning, and nothing was cooperating…

A second later, she was lying painfully on her back on the forest floor, trying to work through her swimming head to figure out what was wrong with her. She heard a distant crashing sound that was probably her trash can lid hitting the trees. Her entire form felt tense and unresponsive, and she curled up in distress. Some part of her was absolutely dead certain that she was shattering. She could practically _feel_ the cracks forming in her gemstone, even though she knew that that was not possible.

If she could just think straight --

With great effort, she pulled her phone out of her gemstone and thumbed into the contacts list. She could send her coordinates to Lapis. She’d be able to fly here and help.

But Lapis, who could fly great distances quickly, was also their best hope at finding Steven before anything worse happened.

Her thumb shook as she hovered over the contact button. Whatever was happening to her, it wasn’t as important. After she had failed to help Steven in the first place, she couldn’t stand the thought of making things worse. Hopefully she could ride this out and return to the search. Lying curled up and practically unmoving, she could just barely deal with the inexplicable feeling that the world was coming to an end around her.

She did have a couple of unread messages. She hoped one was Lapis.

They weren’t.

 **BismuthTime:** hey peri any luck

 **PERI5XG:** NOT YET

 **PERI5XG:** HOW’S GREG’S VAN LOOKING

 **BismuthTime:** its gonna need a lot of work but nothing we cant handle

 **BismuthTime:** im a lot more worried about greg than about the van

 **PERI5XG:** YEAH :( :( :(

 **BismuthTime:** you holding up alright

She obviously wasn’t, but there wasn’t a lot Bismuth could do about that.

 **PERI5XG:** YEAH JUST TAKING A QUICK BREAK TO CHECK MESSAGES

 **PERI5XG:** ANY IDEAS ON WHERE I SHOULD BE LOOKING

 **BismuthTime:** i wish i knew

 **BismuthTime:** good luck

She briefly debated even opening the second set of messages.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Hi Peri! I’m back from Homeworld! Things went surprisingly well for a change.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** I seem to be in the possession of that rarest of commodities, free time. 

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Are you up to anything interesting?

Oh stars. Not only did she not know yet, she was in a good mood.

Peridot really couldn’t deal with explaining the entire situation right now, ruining Zircs’ day in the process.

She clicked her phone off as another wave of dizziness gripped her, making her feel simultaneously as though she were spinning in the air and being swallowed into the ground. Whatever was happening to her, it couldn’t possibly be normal. 

Peridot curled around her phone as though it were something significantly more comforting, like a plush toy or a Lapis Lazuli. She tried to stop the dizzy waves through sheer force of will, tried to fight through it and regain control of her form.

It wasn’t happening.

She was _such_ a clod. She was furious with herself. Steven needed her and she was lying here useless.

If only she had realized he needed help, if only he had reached out to her, she would have done anything she could…

If only he had reached out before it was too late.

The irony of the situation hit her like a boulder to the face. Before she could second guess herself, she turned on her phone again and texted Lapis.

 **PERI5XG:** LAPIS

 **PERI5XG:** I’M REALLY SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR SEARCH

 **bob:** what’s wrong???

 **PERI5XG:** I’M HAVING A PROBLEM AND I NEED HELP

 **PERI5XG:** IF I SEND YOU MY COORDINATES CAN YOU COME

 **bob:** on my way

She laid back on the ground, the world tilting dangerously as she shifted the position of her head. Now that she had summoned help and wasn’t trying to force herself through whatever was happening, she felt ever so slightly less miserable. She stared up at the sky, allowing herself to zone out.

It didn’t take long for a flash of blue to appear above her. Lapis knelt down next to her and immediately gathered Peridot up. “Peri, what happened?!”

“I don’t know!” said Peridot, frustrated, trying to hold back sobs. “I was flying, and all of a sudden, I _couldn’t,_ and I’ve been dizzy and useless and everything feels awful. I think there’s something really wrong.”

“It sounds like you’re having a panic attack.” Lapis pulled Peridot into her lap, holding her tight. “Remember when that used to happen to me?”

“Is this what that was like?!” said Peridot. “Stars, no wonder you were such a wreck. I mean--”

“It’s okay,” said Lapis. “I totally was a wreck.”

“I’m so sorry I called you over for this. I know it’s more important to be looking for Steven, but I couldn’t get up, and I was scared --”

“No, don’t be sorry,” said Lapis. “I’m really, really glad you texted me. I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you too.” 

Peridot could feel Lapis’s arms shaking a bit as she squeezed her tighter. “Lapis, are _you_ okay?”

“No, not really,” said Lapis, bluntly. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. I wish I could tell you things will be okay, but… I’m not sure things are going to be okay this time.”

“I’m not either.”

“You’ll still have me, though!” Peridot looked up at Lapis and did her best to try and smile.

“Yeah, we’ll still have each other.” Lapis smiled back and ruffled her hair.


	15. Social Distancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** Yes, this is about current events. Give this a skip if you don't want to read about the gang in quarantine.
> 
> Also, I wrote a human AU, something I swore I'd never do. It's a sure sign the end is nigh

“If I have to stay cooped up in this apartment one more day, I am going to _scream.”_ Lapis shifted restlessly on the couch.

“Well, try to scream into a pillow or something, because I’m pretty sure we’re here for the next couple of weeks,” said Bismuth, pausing her sit-ups for a moment. “We probably don’t want to get on our neighbors’ bad sides when we’re all trapped in the building for who knows how long.”

Lapis flipped over on her stomach and watched Bismuth resume her exercise routine. “You must have done eight billion sit-ups in the past three days. It makes me tired just to look at you.”

“Gotta keep fit, Lapis. Gyms are all closed. And, you know, my job is too.”

“Ugh, fine,” said Lapis. She turned to Peridot, who was zoned out in front of her laptop. “What about you?” she said. “You’ve been playing Final Fantasy XIV for what, the past forty-eight hours nonstop?”

“That’s inaccurate,” said Peridot, not looking away from the screen. “Not only have I taken several reasonable breaks for food, hygiene, and napping, I’ve also been spending the time between raids checking the news and shitposting.”

“Don’t you think you should do something _else_ for a while?” 

“My raid’s about to pop. Besides, what is there to do?”

“Something other than stare at your laptop?” said Lapis, irritated. “And _you!_ Your classes all got canceled, how are you still studying?”

“Classes will come back at some point, you know,” said Zircon, barely glancing up from her textbook.

“You know what? Everyone in this apartment is terminally boring.”

Peridot paused in the middle of typing something. “Yeah, you knew that when we moved in together.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t think I’d be trapped in quarantine for weeks.”

“If we go stir crazy and try to kill each other, I bet Bis will probably win,” said Peridot. “That’s probably why she’s doing all that exercise, in case she needs to fight us for the last of the toilet paper.”

“You got me,” said Bismuth.

“On the other hand, Zircs is a schemer. I wouldn’t put it past her to have some kind of elaborate plan to kill us all if it comes down to it.”

“Yeah, that’s actually why I keep knives in my sleeves.”

“I knew it!”

The group fell silent again, returning to their various tasks.

“You know where I wish I were right now?” said Lapis. “The beach. A gorgeous, sunny, beach, just me, my surfboard, and waves as far as the eye can see.”

“That does sound awfully nice,” said Bismuth, wistfully. “I wish I could go hiking.”

“Can’t you?” said Lapis. “That seems like a pretty safe activity.”

“Pretty sure they closed down all the parks and trails.”

“Oh. Right.”

“I just want to go walking in the city again,” said Zircon. “Just go into a coffee shop like normal. It feels like the apocalypse with the streets so empty and everything closed.”

“Well, I wish I could go to my anime convention.” Peridot finally tore her eyes away from her laptop. “You know, the one where I was going to meet up with a bunch of my online friends? The one that got indefinitely postponed? I was looking forward to that for weeks.”

“Yeah, the concert I was looking forward to got canceled too.” Lapis pulled in her knees. “I hope we still get to take a summer trip up to Maine.”

“I sure _hope_ they don’t close down Maine for the whole summer,” said Bismuth.

“I have a headache,” Peridot announced, rubbing at her eyes.

“Well, _yes,_ you’ve been staring at that game nonstop for the past two days,” said Zircon.

“Don’t _you_ get a headache from staring at those books for the past two days?”

“That’s completely different. This is a productive headache.”

Peridot huffed. “I just need something to distract me from… everything. I guess playing Final Fantasy XIV nonstop for an entire weekend is better in theory than in practice.”

Bismuth had stopped doing sit-ups, and was now staring into the middle distance. Zircon had closed her book and was staring listlessly out the window. Peridot’s raid finder pinged. She clicked ‘cancel,’ snapped her laptop shut, and flopped backwards, staring at the ceiling.

“Okay, listen,” said Lapis. “You know what we’re gonna do? There are a ton of places doing take-out specials right now, so I’m going to order a pizza and we’re going to all watch movies together. Fun, non-depressing movies. Got that? Everyone on board?”

The group looked at each other, then nodded assent.

“Cool. Let me go get my phone.”

“We’re all gonna get through this, you know.” Bismuth picked up her magenta exercise mat from the floor and rolled it up. “Just think of how much fun it’s gonna be when all of this is over and we get to catch up on all the stuff we missed out on.”

“Yeah!” said Peridot, obviously faking enthusiasm in an effort to generate actual enthusiasm. “It’s gonna be great!”


	16. Escape to the Least Worst Alternate Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally planned to write something heartfelt and sentimental for the Steven Universe Finale, to express how much the show meant to me.
> 
> Unfortunately, I wrote this instead.

Zircon hummed the Flame Symbol battle theme to herself as she walked through the greenhouse to Peridot’s lair. She had mercifully gotten the bulk of her work done, and thus was able to respond to Peridot’s pleas that she absolutely had to have someone to help test the _Special Vampire Unit_ roguelike dating sim 4X visual novel she was working on.

She opened the door to Peridot’s lair, and was surprised when Peridot didn’t immediately greet her. Instead, she was looking around the lair curiously, making notes on the tablet floating just in front of her face.

“Peri?” 

Peridot suddenly turned her attention to Zircon, a grin breaking out on her face. “Oh, great! You must know this universe’s Peridot. I need to ask you some questions for this survey I’m taking.”

 _“This universe’s_ Peridot? What in the stars are you talking about?” Zircon recoiled, alarmed. “Did you wipe your memory again? Do I need to call Steven? This is the second time, we’re really going to have to establish some kind of _procedure_ for this…”

“Again?” said Peridot, noting something down on her tablet. “No, I’m obviously from an alternate universe. I’m actually from the prime universe. I’m kind of a big deal.”

“Prime universe?”

“Yeah, you know, the prime universe. I’m the original Peridot. The Peridot you know is just a pale imitation of the real thing.” Peridot said this with pride -- although Zircon wasn’t sure what exactly she was being proud of. “The show’s ending today, so I’m checking out alternate universes I can hop to in case the prime universe phases out of existence. Great idea, right?”

“I… suppose?” said Zircon. “So you’re claiming that you’re an alternate reality version of Peridot who has made a device that allows you to look into other realities and decide which one you like best?”

“I know how it sounds. I don’t expect you to believe me.”

“Of course I believe you. That’s absolutely something Peridot would do.”

Peridot’s face lit up. “Oh, good! You might be more helpful than I expected. Can you answer some of my questions about this universe?” 

“Sure, I don’t see why not,” said Zircon, clearing a space on a cluttered work table to take a seat.

“First question: Has Steven turned into a giant worm and killed us all?”

“What?! No. Is that something that can happen?”

“That’s like, a good seventy percent of these alternate universes,” said Peridot, writing something down. “Has Steven turned into an enormous pink version of himself and killed us all?”

“Well, he did turn pink, but -- you can probably just check ‘no’ for any question about Steven killing everyone, if you’d like to save time.”

Peridot nodded eagerly. “Efficient! I like that! Now, next question: Is this where I live?” She gestured to the lair.

“Yes, I’m afraid that you’re primarily responsible for this mess.”

“What are you talking about?! This is great! Not as great as the universe where I had built my own space station, but still.” She noted something down. “We’re obviously both Gems, so I can probably skip all of the questions about humans, vampires, superheroes, mermaids, wizards, medieval courts, noir detectives, and boy bands that specialize in Korean pop music.”

“The boy bands don’t count as humans?”

“It’s probable, but I require more data to be certain. Next question: Has a statistically improbable amount of angst-filled or depressing scenarios occurred in this universe?”

Zircon thought about it. “Well, it’s been quiet lately. You were pretty upset about Jasmine and Rodrigo’s wedding in the Camp Pining Hearts reboot.”

“No!” Peridot visibly shuddered.

“But your projects seem to be going well, and we’ve got that trip to Empire City planned, so that’s something to look forward to. I guess there was that time last year where we both nearly died, though?”

Peridot had a deathly serious look on her face. “On a scale from one to ten, how much would you say we both nearly died?”

Zircon blinked. “You want me to exactly quantify the mortal peril?”

Peridot nodded.

“Eight point five,” said Zircon.

“What does _that_ mean?”

“How should I know!? This was your idea.”

“Fair. Well, I obviously didn’t die, so it couldn’t have been that bad. Now, here’s an important question: Apart from Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Lapis, Bismuth, and me, are there any weird new Crystal Gems?”

Zircon looked around nervously, then pointed to herself. “Um. Me, I suppose.”

“Hmm.” Peridot’s eyes narrowed. “You might be acceptable. At least I’m not being assaulted by Spinel claiming to be my ‘new best friend.’”

“That doesn’t seem to be a very high bar to clear.”

“It’s not,” said Peridot. “Who are you, anyway? A Zircon, right?”

“I’m Blue Zircon 6GN. You just call me Zircs, though.”

Peridot wrote it down on her tablet. “Zircs. With a C, right, not a K or an X?”

“Why would it be a K?”

“K and X are statistically cooler letters than C. So how do I know you?”

Zircon rubbed her eyes, feeling a tension headache coming on. “We’re friends. In fact, you sort of assaulted _me,_ claiming to be my ‘new best friend.’”

“Hm, well, most versions of me have excellent taste, so you can’t be too bad,” said Peridot, scribbling something down. “So far, I give you a B plus.”

“Just a B plus?!” said Zircon, offended. “I’ll have you know that I am _at least_ an A minus friend.”

“Sure, whatever,” said Peridot, dismissively. “Was Steven raised by Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, or was it some weird situation where Jasper was involved for some reason?”

 _“Jasper_ raising _Steven?”_

Peridot threw up her hands. “I don’t know! I don’t create them, I just surf them. Another important question: in this universe, is it possible for a Gem to get another Gem pregnant with gemlings?”

Zircon’s face dropped. _“What in the stars!?”_

“It’s a simple question! I don’t want kids, okay?”

“Of course that’s not possible!”

“Good!” Peridot checked it off on her list. “One final, important question: in this universe… is Lapis okay?”

“Well,” Zircon said carefully, “it may be a bit simplistic to call Lapis ‘okay.’ But she seems much happier now than she did when I first met her. Her career in art is starting to take off, and I think she really enjoys living with you.” Zircon thought for a second before continuing. “She loves you, you know. I don’t know if that’s true in the universe where you come from, but it’s been true as long as I’ve known her.”

Peridot blushed and smiled as she wrote on her tablet. “That’s... good. That’s very, very good.” She put her stylus back into its slot. “This universe isn’t so bad. You might be seeing me again later if the coffee shops don’t pan out.”

“Sure?” said Zircon, confused.

Peridot pulled a device out of her gem. “That’s all the questions I have, so I’d better get going to the next universe. Good luck with everything, Zircs!”

“Good luck with… the alternate universes and the worm Stevens and the boy bands and the gemlings?”

“Thank you,” said Peridot sincerely. “You were right, by the way.”

“About what?”

“You’re probably at least an A minus friend.”

“Thanks.”

Peridot pushed a button on her device, her form flickered for a moment, and both the device and the tablet disappeared. Peridot blinked. “Oh, hi… Zircs…” she said, clearly disoriented. “Did I just lose a bunch of time?”

“As far as I can tell, you were temporarily hijacked by a Peridot from an alternate reality trying to determine which universe is the best.”

Peridot’s eyes lit up as though Zircon had just given her some amazingly good news instead of telling her something clearly bizarre and distressing. “That’s _awesome.”_ She levitated her tablet to herself and began to draw out a diagram. “Alternate realities! That’s a _great_ idea. I should work on that. You can help test it!”

Zircon facepalmed. “Only if we can find an alternate reality where I’m not being roped into terrifying experiments.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Zircs. I’m sure you’re boring in every reality.”

“Hey, Peri? Weird question, but if you had to give me a letter grade, what would it be?”

Peridot turned away from her tablet and glanced over Zircon with a serious look on her face. “If we consider that Lapis is a SSS-tier friend, I’d say you’re easily an S-tier. But don’t let it go to your head.”

“I’ll take it,” said Zircon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, the prime Peridot in this fic is not actually the prime Peridot either, which means she could be further hijacked by a closer to prime Peridot, in a kind of infinite loop / Zeno's paradox situation.


	17. Souvenirs

“So are you going to wear that shirt forever?”

Peridot was snuggled in the hammock, having rushed to the lair and wrapped herself up in blankets and stuffed toys the second Steven was out of view. Lapis had initially joined her in an impromptu cuddle pile, but had left the hammock a few minutes ago to look over the morps kit Steven had given her.

“I’m going to wear it until I stop feeling bad about Steven,” said Peridot.

“So, yeah, you’re going to wear it forever,” said Lapis. “Or at least until Steven visits.”

Peridot nodded, tears welling up in her eyes again. She removed her visor to brush them away.

Lapis flew up into the hammock, situating herself behind Peridot and pulling the entire bundle of Gem, blankets and plushies snugly into her lap. Peridot leaned her head contentedly into her chest as Lapis hugged her tightly around the shoulders. Lapis began running her hand through Peridot’s hair, and despite the ache that remained in her chest, this simple action always made her feel calm and loved.

“I don’t mind the shirt,” said Lapis. “It makes you extra snuggly.”

They sat like that for a while, Peridot nearly slipping off into sleep, until she was knocked out of her drifting thoughts by Lapis suddenly twitching. She looked up as Lapis let out a quiet sob.

“Hey, Lapis,” she said, gently, “wanna switch places?”

Lapis nodded. Peridot attempted to extricate herself from the small blanket fortress and move behind her girlfriend, nearly upending the entire hammock until Lapis grabbed her to steady her and keep her from falling out. Once Peridot was in position, Lapis lay with her head in her lap, Peridot’s fingers tangled in her hair.

“So, is the morp kit neat?” said Peridot, looking down at Lapis.

“It’s so cute, Peri. It has one hundred and forty-eight pieces! It has pencils, crayons and those watercolors that are just little blocks of dry paint.”

“Don’t you have nice watercolors? The ones we shopped for online.”

“Those are technically _nicer,_ but they weren’t given to me by Steven,” said Lapis. “What do you think I should paint with them?”

“Obviously, you have to paint something Steven would like, and send it to him!”

Lapis nodded. “Maybe I’ll paint the view of the ocean from Little Homeworld. So he doesn’t forget it. So he doesn’t forget us.”

Peridot’s eyes widened in alarm. “You don’t really think he’ll forget us, do you?”

“Never.” Lapis smiled. “Remember what you said when Steven turned into a monster? He never gave up on you no matter what. He’s not giving up on you now, either. Or me, I hope. I guess he just needs… this.”

“Yeah.” Peridot knew she was right, but she was still afraid. Steven would be growing and changing without them. When he came back, he could be completely different.

Maybe what she needed was to grow and change too.

“Do you think…” Peridot started, trying to form her thoughts.

“What?”

“Do you think maybe we could do something like that someday? Take a trip like Steven’s doing. Not just fly to a new place, but… you know. Ride in a human vehicle. Stop in human towns and meet people. See all the weird things humans do. Get a bunch of souvenirs like they did in the Camp Pining Hearts season three road trip special, like giant sunglasses and license plates with our names on them and t-shirts that say, ‘I went on a human road trip and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.’”

“That’s a lot of human stuff,” said Lapis.

“We could do stuff you like too! Like I bet you’d get a lot of really good pictures. We could find cool scenes for you to paint.”

“Gems going on a road trip and learning about humanity,” said Lapis, considering the idea. “That could actually be a great photography exhibition!”

“Yeah!” said Peridot with enthusiasm. “What do you think? Could we go?”

“Why not?” said Lapis. “We’re free Gems, right? We’ve got all the time in the world.”

“Yeah, we do,” said Peridot, pulling Lapis in closer as she suddenly felt sad again. “But it still kinda feels like there’s never enough.”

“No, there isn’t,” said Lapis.

Peridot gently shifted Lapis’ head out of her lap and wriggled into the hammock next to her. Lapis’s arms curled around her gently, hands grasping the soft fabric of Steven’s shirt. They lay like this until both had fallen asleep.


	18. We've Updated Our Privacy Policy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, writing! I remember how to do that!

“Lapis, this is an emergency!”

Lapis looked up from her painting. “A real emergency, or a Peridot emergency?”

“Definitely a Peridot emergency.” Peridot perched on a stool near Lapis’ easel, knee bouncing. “I… may have done something… ridiculous. And now Zircs has a really embarrassing picture of me, and I need to get it back before she shows -- hey, what are you doing?”

Lapis had pulled out her phone. “Texting Zircs to get this picture.”

“No!” Peridot pulled the phone out of Lapis’ hands with her ferrokinesis. “That is _not_ why I’m telling you about this.”

“Really? I’m not sure what else you expected me to do.”

“I need to erase it, obviously!” Peridot hopped off the stool and began pacing. “The problem is, she doesn’t usually take pictures with her phone, like a normal Gem. She takes pictures with that monocle thing she’s always wearing. I’m going to have to figure out how to steal and hack into it.” She grinned, hitting a fist against her hand in triumph. “This calls for a _heist!”_

“What is _in_ this picture that’s so important?”

“It’s a matter of _pride,_ Lapis.” Peridot stopped pacing and returned to the stool. “The only way I’m going to be able to steal Zircs’ monocle is if she’s asleep. I can’t risk accidentally waking her up, either, so she’s gonna have to be totally exhausted. How am I gonna make Zircs exhausted?”

“I’m pretty sure you do that almost every day.”

“I’m choosing to ignore that,” said Peridot, scowling. “I’ve got the perfect thing. I just need to convince Steven that Zircs could really use a break.”

* * *

She _almost_ had it.

The Morganite plaintiff was claiming that her client had been stealing small amounts of valuable mineral resources for the past few years, and a cursory look at inventory records would seem to confirm that. However, if one were to dig deeper, there was evidence that the records of the amount of minerals requisitioned in the first place had been tampered with. If she could just pull on that thread, she could --

_WHAM_

Zircon shrieked, all of her screens dissipating into thin air and her form nearly giving out, as something slammed hard into her window. “Stars and nebulas!” she shouted, turning around. “What are you _thinking?!_ I -- oh. Oh no.”

“ZIIIIIIIIRCS!” yelled the tiny Gem floating on a platform outside. “Zircs Zircs Zircs Zircs Zircs Zircs! Ziiiiiiircs!” Tilly bounced from foot to foot. “I need to show you something! I need to show you this! This is so cool!”

“Tilly!” Zircs held onto her desk, trying to recover from the shock to her system. “I can see you’re very excited, but I’m in the middle of something right now. Can this _wait?”_

Tilly’s eyes grew huge. “No. No, it really can’t wait. I will _explode_ if I have to wait any more, it’s already been _twenty entire seconds_ since I flew up here. Do you know how long that is? I could have flown around the tower at least six times.”

“You are _not_ going to explode.” Zircon stubbornly sat back down at her desk and pulled up her screens. She was so close to figuring out her defense. “I’m busy now, but feel free to return later.”

“When’s later?”

“An hour.”

“An _entire hour?”_ said Tilly. “Civilizations could be born and die in that amount of time! What could possibly take you that long? Is it a case? Is it a _hard_ case? Can I see it? Oh, can I help! I could be like a clerk and help you type things and research stuff and carry around big stacks of paper and bring you coffee even though you don’t drink anything and --”

Zircon’s last nerve frayed. “Tilly, _please._ Why are you so determined to drive me up the wall?”

“You’re my friend and I appreciate your company!” Tilly’s painfully sincere smile carried the full force of both Peridot and Steven behind it.

She simply had no choice. She gave up. “Fifteen minutes,” said Zircon, collapsing her screens. “You have my full and undivided attention for fifteen minutes, and then I’m going back to work. Are these terms acceptable?”

“Yes!” Tilly bounced with glee, the platform she was standing on bouncing with her. “Fifteen minutes is _forever._ ”

“So what did you need to show me?”

“This platform, duh!” She did a lightning fast barrel roll, which barely left Zircon time to wonder how she was even staying on it. “You know how I’m always riding around on a trash can lid? I created this awesome new thing to ride on! It has these really smooth and quiet inductive rocket motors powered by renewable photosynthetic batteries so it can go four times as fast as a plain piece of metal.”

“I assume you wanted to show me this so I could tell you how extremely dangerous it sounds?” asked Zircon, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Whaaaaaaaat?” Tilly was indignant. “It’s _obviously_ not dangerous at all! See, I even put railings on it!”

“You’re not even holding on to the railings!” said Zircon. 

“Well, yeah, because I’m super resilient. The railings are for you! You’re going to help me test how safe this is, and then we can go flying places!”

“Absolutely _not!”_ Zircon recoiled, horrified. “What in the stars made you think I’d be willing to fly on that… thing?”

Tilly looked injured. “You said you were going to give me your full attention.”

“Yes, and I _am._ That does not extend to testing whatever ridiculous machine you’ve created!”

“Aww, c’mon, Zircs, it’ll be fun!” Tilly had pulled herself onto one of the railings and was leaning over it, nearly on the verge of flipping over. “Don’t you want to fly?”

“Oh no. You may have Steven-and-Peri’d your way into making me take a break, but I am under no circumstances boarding an experimental flying device piloted by an unstable fusion who can’t sit still for more than two seconds!”

“What if I tied you to the railing so you wouldn’t fall off?”

“No!”

“What if I just attached metal to you so I could pull you around with my mind while I ride on the platform?”

“I don’t understand why you think that’d be better.”

“What if I respect your decision, stop badgering you to test this platform, and we play video games instead?”

“Tilly, how many times do I -- wait.”

Tilly was grinning. Zircon facepalmed.

“Fine. _Fine._ You win. But I really can’t stay long before I need to get back to --”

Her voice was drowned out by Tilly cheering happily at the top of her lungs.

* * *

Peridot knocked very softly on the office door, then listened carefully. Hearing no sound, she opened the door and entered.

Zircon was sprawled on the couch, fast asleep and dead to the world, her cat snoozing on top of her. She looked uncharacteristically peaceful -- it was honestly strange to see her with hardly a trace of stress on her face. Peridot wondered if maybe she should get Zircs to take a nap more often. 

She shook out her hands -- covered with black gloves, of course, because this was a _heist_ \-- and very carefully removed the monocle from Zircon’s face. She attached wires to the ends, connecting it to her phone, and hopefully to her app that would allow her to see what was on it. Sure enough, a long list of directories and files streamed onto her phone’s screen. Peridot silently pumped her fist, pleased that it worked.

There were _tons_ of directories, most of which Peridot didn’t understand, but one of the largest and top-listed ones was simply called _Pictures_. She clicked into it to find just two folders: _Work_ and _Personal_. The directory information showed that the _Work_ folder was millions of files larger than the _Personal_ folder. 

The _Personal_ folder contained many subfolders. The largest by far was, unsurprisingly, _Stormy_. Peridot clicked it to see thousands of pictures and videos of Zircs’ beloved cat. She clicked out again to look at the rest of the folders: _View from My Office_ , _Little Homeworld, Special Occasions, Beach City, Empire City..._

Curious, Peridot clicked into the _Empire City_ folder. A few months ago, Zircon had been in an awful state from losing an important case, and Peridot had successfully convinced her to go on a trip to the city to take her mind off of things, promising that they could visit some museums and bookshops. Peridot wondered what Zircon had been taking pictures of.

The folder had a few subfolders in it, including _Buildings, Humans, Landmarks,_ and _Museum Exhibits._ Peridot clicked on _Buildings_ and scrolled through the pictures.

Peridot liked to take pictures, but they were mostly goofy selfies or things that amused her. Lapis took her photography extremely seriously, sometimes spending hours lining up the perfect shot or waiting for the best lighting. Zircon’s pictures couldn’t be more different. They were clinical, unsentimental shots of buildings that she had apparently found interesting or notable in some way, as though she were trying to catalogue them. Peridot was in some of the shots, but apparently not on purpose -- it was her arm, or the back of her head, when she happened to wander into the frame. She had had no idea that Zircon was recording the trip in neatly organized pictures the entire time.

One picture out of the dozens was conspicuously different.

* * *

“This is it!” Peridot spread her arms out wide.

“This is… what?” Zircon seemed confused and unimpressed.

“It’s the most famous building in Empire City! I saw it on TV.”

“Why is it famous? I mean, I suppose it’s a fairly attractive building, but we’ve passed a lot of interesting buildings.”

Peridot was looking it up on her phone. “Well, it used to be the tallest building in the city, until they built taller buildings than it.” She looked up. “Wait, that’s it?”

“Bit underwhelming, isn’t it?”

She shoved her phone into Zircon’s hands. “You gotta take a picture of me in front of it.”

“I thought we both agreed it was disappointing.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s disappointing! It’s tradition!” Peridot grinned, holding up her hand in a peace sign.

Zircon sighed. “I’m not used to taking a picture with these things.” She fussed around with it until Peridot’s face started to hurt from holding a smile. “Got it. No, wait, sorry, you were blinking. Let me try again. Oh, now there’s a weird-looking human in the frame.”

“C’mon, Zircs, I can’t smile forever.”

“Patience, please! Okay, _now_ I have it.” She handed the phone back to Peridot. “Happy?”

“It’s perfect! Now give me your phone so you can have one too.”

“If I must.” Zircon stood awkwardly in front of the building. “Is this acceptable?”

“Got it! Now you can remember this trip forever.”

Zircon shrugged. “I don’t think I’m going to have trouble with that.”

* * *

The picture of Peridot in front of the Empire City Building was the only one out of the bunch where she was actually looking at the camera and smiling. Peridot hadn’t realized Zircon had taken one herself.

She backed out of the _Empire City_ folder, growing increasingly uncomfortable with her heist. This was a little less like hacking Zircs’ phone and more like hacking her brain.

Back in the _Personal_ folder, there was a subfolder called _Friends_ ,which was probably where the embarrassing picture of her was living. Just below the _Friends_ folder was one called _Important._ Peridot hovered her finger over it.

She quickly closed down the app and disconnected the monocle before she could give into temptation. She had gone through all this trouble and hadn’t actually accomplished her goal, but maybe that was for the best. She carefully set the monocle back onto her friend’s face, nearly dropping it in surprise when Zircon stirred slightly. With that taken care of, Peridot slipped out the door.

* * *

**CourtLawyerZircon:** Peridot.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** You do realize that I have a record of access to my files.

 **PERI5XG:** I’M SORRY

 **PERI5XG:** I SWEAR I DIDN’T CHANGE ANYTHING

 **PERI5XG:** I JUST WANTED TO DELETE THAT PICTURE

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** If I had realized it bothered you that much, I would have deleted it myself.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Do not ever access my personal files again.

 **PERI5XG:** I PROMISE

 **PERI5XG:** I REALLY AM SORRY

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Apology accepted.

**CourtLawyerZircon: __**_Special Vampire Unit?_

**PERI5XG:** YESSSSSS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Glowbug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glowbug/pseuds/Glowbug) helped me brainstorm this idea!


	19. Alien Abduction is Not a Valid Meet-Cute

As Lapis was pulled out of her bedroom window by a tractor beam, her first thought was: _at least this Friday night isn’t as boring as I thought it was going to be._

She did feel as though she should be terrified, which isn’t at all the same as actually feeling terrified. Her lack of appropriate response was partially because floating above her neighborhood hardly seemed real and partially because she really was that bored and dissatisfied with her life.

As she floated higher, she could see ripples in the sky directly above her. They gradually began to resolve themselves into a spaceship as she drew close enough for the camouflage to falter. She didn’t get a good look at it before she was pulled inside, only noticing that it was green and strangely shaped.

She was floating in midair in a room filled with all kinds of incomprehensible equipment. Lights flashed, screens displayed rapidly scrolling data readouts, and the many buttons and switches all had multiple layers of haphazardly stuck-on labels in an unrecognizable language. 

Standing before her was an alien who mostly resembled a very short woman, apart from having bright green skin, a triangular green gem in the middle of her forehead, and triangular hair that she doubted was actually possible without a truly excessive amount of hair product. A short distance away, a similar purple alien with a wild mane of hair was cheerfully spinning around in a chair.

“Welcome, Earthling, to the Green Hand, the finest, most state-of-the-art scientific research ship in the Gempire! I am Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG, a triple certified extraterrestrial researcher, and the ranking scientist aboard this vessel.” She beamed with obvious pride, her grandiose statements at odds with her goofy, nasally voice.

“Hey,” said the purple alien.

“And this is my assistant, Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM.”

“Yo.”

Peridot grinned awkwardly, obviously waiting for some kind of response.

“Cool, I guess,” Lapis deadpanned.

Her cheerful grin melted into a strangely familiar look of despair. She realized where she had seen that expression lately -- when her co-worker Daniel had asked her out and she informed him that she was a lesbian.

“Oh man, you got shut down!” Amethyst was cracking up. “The entire time since we put the tracking device on you, she was all like ‘I can’t wait to meet Subject L-846, she’s gonna be so impressed!’”

“I was _not!”_

“Tracking device?” That _did_ get Lapis’ attention.

“It’s subcutaneous, we do it while you sleep,” said Peridot, dismissively. “ _Anyway,_ you have nothing to fear from us.”

Lapis looked Peridot up and down. “Yeah, you’re not exactly intimidating.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“You’re what, four feet tall?”

“I clearly have two feet! My other appendages are my hands!”

“I think she’s saying you’re short, P,” Amethyst chimed in, laughing.

“Why are _you_ laughing about that? You are the same height as me!”

“I’m like, two units taller.”

“Don’t feel bad about being short,” said Lapis. The part of her warning that it might be dangerous to tease the alien holding her captive was not winning its battle. “Being shorter makes you cuter.”

“Wha -- what are you -- stop talking!” stammered a flustered Peridot. If she were trying to not look cute, she was doing a very bad job of it. Her cheeks had turned deep blue and her expression was as though a bomb had gone off between her ears.

“I like you!” Amethyst spun her chair in glee. “You’re the best subject we’ve had on this boring ship!”

Peridot straightened up and assumed a Very Serious Look, apparently in an attempt to look less adorably flustered. It really didn’t help. She floated a holographic tablet to her side and began to scroll and make notes on it. “For the last time, there is nothing _boring_ about this ship or our extremely important mission to catalog the traits of the Earth inhabitants.” 

She turned to Lapis. “Subject L-846, as I was _attempting_ to explain, you have nothing to fear. I’m going to use my instruments to take several critical measurements. This will not harm you. Once I’ve finished, I will wipe your memories of this entire incident and you will go back to your normal life.”

Lapis wiggled in the tractor beam, finally feeling a bit uneasy about all of this. True, these aliens on their own were not the slightest bit frightening, but she wasn’t too keen on being measured and memory wiped. Besides that, she was starting to remember stories she had heard about alien abductions…

“So, uh, you guys aren’t gonna… you know…”

“Going to what?” Peridot’s eyes narrowed.

“...probe me?” Lapis blushed and looked away.

“Oh, of course!” said Peridot, cheerfully. “We intend to probe you quite thoroughly for the information we need!”

“Peri, wait, that’s not what she means. C’mere.” Amethyst beckoned Peridot over. She whispered something in her ear that made Peridot blush an even deeper blue, eyes wide and horrified.

 _“Oh my stars.”_ She cast an accusing glance at Lapis. “We are absolutely _not_ doing any of that. Why do humans always assume we’re obsessed with their _orifices?”_

“Maybe because you keep trying to date them?”

“Amethyst, I _swear_ I am going to jettison you out of the airlock.”

“That’s fine, P-dot. That way I won’t have to be a third wheel on your date.”

Lapis shrugged. “This isn’t the worst date I’ve been on.”

Peridot turned on her, accusingly. “I could jettison you out of the airlock too!”

“That _still_ wouldn’t be the worst date I’ve been on.”

Peridot groaned in frustration, then took a sharp breath in, in a futile attempt to regain her composure. “Look. Just let me take my measurements so we can both get this over with.”

“But I thought you liked me,” Lapis said, innocently, as Peridot produced some kind of bizarre contraption from a nearby cabinet. 

Peridot ignored her, her full concentration on unfolding the many various complicated pieces of her device. Considering the aliens claimed they weren’t going to probe her, there were an awful lot of weird pointy bits that were making Lapis squirm nervously.

By the time Peridot had finished, she had produced some kind of bizarre, almost spidery looking thing in roughly the shape of a human body. “Ready?” she said.

“Ready for what? What are you going to do?” She couldn’t keep the anxiety out of her voice.

“Just this,” said Peridot. 

Lapis squeezed her eyes shut. Very briefly, she felt a lot of tiny pin pricks all over.

“Done. Here, fold this up, assistant.” Peridot nonchalantly tossed the device to Amethyst, who rolled her eyes but complied. 

“Was that really it?” asked Lapis, blinking in surprise.

“What, did you want more? I told you, I’m triple certified in extraterrestrial research. I’m _efficient.”_ She beamed with pride. “Now, we just gotta memory wipe you!”

“Wait, you don’t have to do that. I promise I’m not going to tell anyone.” As harmless as these aliens seemed, that didn’t mean she wanted them poking around in her brain.

“It’s standard procedure. It’s not going to hurt. You’ll go to sleep and wake up in your own home like nothing ever happened,” Peridot said. She telekinetically floated some electrodes over to Lapis, where they attached to her forehead. 

“Hey, wait!” She tried pulling them off, but they were stuck tight.

“She’s not gonna budge,” said Amethyst. “She’s gotten in trouble before for not wiping people she liked.”

“Does she _really_ need to know that, Amethyst?” Peridot shook her head as she pulled a complex looking machine over to her and started fiddling with the controls. “It was nice meeting you, Subject L-846.” 

Lapis opened her mouth to say something, but her consciousness almost immediately started to fade, her vision blurring and her eyes slipping shut.

* * *

_beep beep beep beep_

Lapis picked up her phone and turned off the alarm, blinking sleepily at her unread messages. Some were from last night. Why hadn’t she read them before going to bed?

Wait, what had she been _doing_ last night?

The memories of the spaceship came slamming back into her mind. Apparently the memory wipe _hadn’t_ worked -- or maybe Peridot really did spare the people she liked. Or, most likely, it had all been a really weird and vivid dream.

One thing was for sure, she definitely was going to keep her promise to not tell anybody. She’d sound like a nutjob if she did, and she really didn’t want to end up on trashy talk shows or in tabloids talking about her alien abduction.

Just a dream. That was for the best.

As she pushed the covers off of her, she noticed something written on the palm of her hand.

_Call me sometime. --P_

It was followed by a string of at least forty numbers and letters.

Lapis stared. “That’s… not a phone number, Peridot,” she said to her hand.

She really shouldn’t be looking back fondly on aliens who kidnapped her, but she couldn’t help thinking that she really wouldn’t mind if Peridot actually did find a way to call her. After all, she had been on _much_ worse dates than that.

Well, if Peridot wanted to find her, she still had a subcutaneous tracking device. Probably.


	20. For the Want of a Gem

**Figure One.**

Yellow Diamond skimmed over the list of potential Peridots for the Cluster mission that her most trusted Agate had prepared for her. Normally, she didn’t even concern herself with the assignments of Gems as lowly as Peridots. This particular task, however, was both a bit unusual and a bit personal, so she had taken the somewhat abnormal step of reviewing and approving the candidate herself. 

Her Agate was both intelligent and efficient -- she would expect nothing less from one of the top Gems in her command -- and the suggested Peridot at the top of the list, Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG, seemed like a reasonable choice. She had an above average track record at her kindergarten assignments, had been praised by previous supervisors for her intelligence and quick thinking, and had displayed no prior indications of potential disloyalty. The only negative marks in her file had to do with her tendencies towards the neurotic -- but then, Yellow would be hard pressed to find an Era 2 Peridot that _wasn’t_ neurotic, and she certainly wasn’t going to risk an Era 1 on a mission this risky.

Yellow’s finger came within microns of adding her official approval to the assignment before she thought better of it.

It _was_ a risky mission. Not only was there the risk of the Cluster emerging, there were also the threats posed by the early Cluster experiments, the organic lifeforms that apparently still thrived on the planet, and potential… other problems that had been left behind. Peridots were expendable, of course, but considering the worsening resource crisis, it would be an unfortunate waste to lose a halfway-decent Era 2. She could send a less competent Peridot, one they could afford to get rid of, but then, that ran the risk that the job would not be carried out properly.

Perhaps she didn’t need for someone to check on the Cluster right away. After all, it was only four cycles behind schedule. It probably wouldn’t hurt to give it a few more cycles and see if it emerged on its own, and if it did, there would be no need to risk a somewhat valuable resource.

Instead of approving the assignment, Yellow dismissed the list of Peridots and marked the mission as postponed, sending the missive back to her Agate. 5XG would be given an ordinary kindergarten assignment, instead, and would be none the wiser. With any luck, the Cluster would emerge on its own without the need for intervention.

**Figure Two.**

5XG allowed herself a measure of relief as the Cluster experiments retracted back into the ceiling of the abandoned kindergarten control room. They were slightly behind schedule, but otherwise proceeding as expected. She would have her report to deliver to Yellow Diamond. All she had to do now was wrap things up and warp back to civilization.

She had spent a good portion of her life working in remote places far from other Gems, but there was a difference between working in a distant, undeveloped colony and a mission to a planet that had been abandoned by Gems entirely. Her intel had confirmed that there were no Gems on the planet, and her limb enhancers should have enough tools to deal with organic threats, but she still couldn’t help but feel nervous about the whole endeavour -- particularly when she noticed bizarre decals on the broken warps, no doubt put there by the organics. Upon discovering the site was compromised, she nearly bailed. She could have tried activating the kindergarten remotely, instead. Thinking about the praise she might receive from Yellow Diamond for her efficiency was the only thing that stopped her.

For the thousandth time, she reminded herself about how fortunate she was to be sent on a personal mission of Yellow Diamond’s. If this didn’t earn her a prime position for her next kindergarten assignment, nothing would. With any luck, she’d have the honor and privilege of monitoring emerging elites, the kind of fascinating work every Peridot aspired to do.

She allowed herself a small smile as she made her way back to the domestic warp. This mission had gone about as smoothly as she expected, and in no time at all this wretched, backwards planet would be a distant memory. Things really were looking up for her for a change.

**Figure Three.**

“I’ve got her,” said Garnet, quickly encasing the triangular green gem in a bubble.

“Oh, thank the stars,” said Pearl, her voice dripping with relief. “I’m so glad Steven didn’t have to see this.”

Amethyst caught up to them, dissipating her whip. “I just can’t believe we actually caught her. You sure her gem’s not gonna suddenly sprout helicopter blades and fly away?” She mimed Peridot’s usual method of escape.

“We only caught her because she was getting sloppy.” Garnet adjusted her visor. “Her next move would likely have been to try and invade the Crystal Temple. It’s good that it didn’t come to that.”

“Well, what are you waiting for, Garnet? Send the bubble back! We can’t risk it popping.”

She shook her head. “No.”

Pearl recoiled in shock. “Why?”

“If we take her back to the Temple, Steven will attempt to release her from the bubble.”

“Why would he do that?” said Amethyst.

“He thinks Peridot could be his friend, like Lapis. There are some scenarios where he may even be right, but the risk is far too great.” Garnet stared into the bubble pensively as Pearl and Amethyst exchanged a look of concern. “I’ll take this bubble somewhere where it can never be found. We’ll tell Steven Peridot escaped again. With no sign of her, he’ll eventually forget about her. It’s for the best.”

Pearl opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it. “You’re right, Garnet. It’s for the best.”

**Figure Four.**

Zircon leaned back in her chair, removing her monocle and rubbing at her eyes. Today’s caseload was particularly irritating, and she certainly wasn’t looking forward to having to wrangle an Aquamarine into a useful witness. They had the almost supernatural ability to turn even a murder exposition into an opportunity to flex their egos.

She could afford a brief break. Besides, there had been a news alert earlier that she had dismissed without reading. She created a new screen from her monocle and pulled up the newsfeed.

Zircon’s eyes went wide as she read the top story. Yellow Diamond had perfected an enormous geoweapon that was capable of smashing an entire planet in a matter of minutes. It had already destroyed one planet -- the Earth, infamous as the site of Rose’s Rebellion. No Gems lived there, only organics.

Still, the message was clear. If a rebellion like Rose’s ever happened again, there would be no battle. The planet would be unceremoniously destroyed.

The article, of course, described all of this in breathtakingly positive terms, praising the wisdom and ingenuity of Yellow Diamond, and crowing about how the Cluster had emerged ten years earlier than originally expected. That was the official line, and one that no Gem would be caught questioning in public.

She wasn’t in public, though. She was in the relative safety of her office, and there was nothing forbidding her from spending a few minutes looking out the window and wondering what it all meant.

The resource shortage was worsening, and the Diamonds were becoming more militant. It wasn’t talked about except in the most cautious tones behind closed doors, but every Gem fortunate enough to be imbued with intellect knew it. 

This new development was just one more step down that path, and she knew she wasn’t the only Zircon becoming paranoid about it. Gems were working longer hours and subject to more abuse than ever before -- there would never be a formal study confirming that, but her job meant she talked to a lot of Gems from various castes, and it wasn’t all that difficult to put the pieces together. Conditions were gradually becoming worse. Where did it all lead? In an increasingly militant Gempire, would the concept of fair trials even survive? Where would that leave her?

Was this all there was to existence -- an endless flood of work occasionally punctuated with the relief of a short break or a small moment of joy after winning a case? Thousands of years of surviving in fear, only to end up shattered in the end?

**Figure Five.**

“...so every decision anyone makes creates an alternate, parallel universe,” Peridot was saying. “Hey, Zircs, are you listening?”

“Hm?” Zircon dropped the pen she had been fiddling with. “Yes, I was listening. Well… mostly.” 

Zircon did try to be a good listener, but she was a bit tired, and the rain against her window was very soothing, and Peridot had spent at least twenty minutes droning on about stars-knows-what. If she had zoned out daydreaming about the murder mystery she really wanted to write, was that such a crime?

“Ugh, you weren’t paying attention at all!” said Peridot.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m listening now. Something about parallel universes?”

“Every decision we make potentially creates an alternate, parallel universe. There _may_ be a way to research these alternate universes -- in fact, it’s possible that brief glimpses into these universes is what fuels Sapphires’ future vision! If I could harness that, think of the possibilities!”

“Hmm,” said Zircon. “I feel like most of those alternate universes would probably be… bad.”

“You don’t know that! They could be awesome.”

“My concern would be that the series of events that led us here are so improbable that in most alternate universes, we are simply back at our old jobs. Or worse, shattered. I think we’d both agree that those outcomes are strictly worse.”

Peridot’s face scrunched up, and Zircon expected her to come up with some sort of argument against that, but instead she said, “Huh. You’re kind of right. This _may_ actually be the best parallel universe. I mean, how many parallel universes can there be where I actually get to date a Lapis Lazuli?!”

“I was thinking ‘how many parallel universes can there be where a human-Gem hybrid convinces the Diamonds to dismantle their empire’ but you make a valid point as well.”

“Maybe I _shouldn’t_ dabble in parallel universes. Maybe I should just stick to this one.”

“I think that’d probably be for the best,” said Zircon, wondering how many parallel universes had ended with Little Homeworld getting destroyed by one of Peridot’s experiments.


	21. Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first SU story was about Peridot learning how to take a nap. I suppose this is the Zircon version of that.
> 
> Look, it's been a week and I wanted to write some aimless slice of life fluff, okay?

_a thousand years ago_

Zircon was exhausted.

Losing several cases in a row had done little for her general mental state, and her current case seemed both complicated and unwinnable as well. She had spent several hours looking for some angle she could use, but her clients had been seen clearly fused by both a Ruby guard and several surveillance cameras. Despite her best efforts, this was almost certainly going to be another loss, bringing down her ratio.

Her ratio was still better than average, she reminded herself. The defense was perpetually at a disadvantage in the Gempire -- and they all knew it had been getting worse over the years. Six cases in a row was really not _that_ unusual. 

She was still useful. She wasn’t going to get shattered. She wasn’t going to be harvested. She _wasn’t._

At some point her poor attempts to reassure herself had spiraled into panic visions of enforcers coming for her. She’d seen it happen to some unfortunate co-workers. Some arbitrary metric somewhere decided they weren’t performing well enough, and they were never seen again. 

In her darkest moments she felt as though it was really only a matter of time until they came for her too. She could practically feel herself getting dragged out of her office.

She really, really needed a break before her panic spiraled out of control.

Officially, Gems in intellectual positions were allowed several brief breaks per cycle, and a longer break every few cycles. In practice, their workloads kept them too busy to take most of those breaks. Zircon briefly checked her logged time and saw that she had skipped the last eight. She could afford five, maybe even ten minutes.

Usually, she spent her precious breaks looking out her office window, having nebulous dreams about something better than this. She was fortunate enough to have curiosity built into her as a basic trait, but her imagination was still limited and stilted from having spent little time outside her office or the courthouse. She could imagine being an elite, maybe, having access to entertainment and luxuries. She could imagine being on some far-off colony -- she had seen enough pictures of crime scenes to picture what certain colonies looked like -- and actually experiencing what things like water and organic matter were like. 

Mostly she just imagined having longer breaks.

Right now, however, she was too stressed and drained even to look out the window. Without even really thinking about what she was doing, she folded her arms onto her desk, laid her head on top of them, and closed her eyes.

Officially, non-elites weren’t supposed to sleep. Lower Gems weren’t even supposed to know it was a possibility. One of the few benefits of being a Zircon, though, was that you got to hear about every possible illicit thing done by any Gem in any caste, some as scandalous as intimate relationships, others as mundane as sleep.

Not that she even _could_ sleep, not really. When she closed her eyes, that only allowed her fears and failures to dance across her vision that much more easily. Her lucid thoughts blended into the beginnings of nightmares, her eyes twitching behind her eyelids.

When the alarm she had set on her monocle woke her up, she was no more rested than she had been ten minutes ago. She would have been better off just working.

She rubbed at her eyes, stretched, and got back to work.

_now_

Zircon was exhausted.

She had spent a big chunk of the last twenty-four hours helping Peridot with all sorts of necessary tasks for the summer festival. Now, she enjoyed helping her friend, and she loved the summer festival, but Peridot’s seemingly boundless enthusiasm could definitely be a bit draining. She was especially determined to make this year “the best festival ever” -- a phrase she repeated over and over again like a mantra -- because this year they were launching a program for humans to live and work in Little Homeworld. 

Amethyst was leading the new program. Zircon got along well with Amethyst for the most part, but putting her and Peridot on the same project meant excessive excited shrieking and constant mutual teasing. It had been fun for a while, but it had also been a relief to take her leave and retreat into the sanctity of her office for a while.

At Steven and Peridot’s insistence, she had taken the week off to help with the festival and also to recharge her batteries, so to speak. While she certainly _could_ take the time to surreptitiously get out ahead of next week’s workload, she knew she’d be scolded by her friends if she did. 

Really, they were right. There was no reason why she couldn’t or shouldn’t indulge in a bit of “me time,” as Peridot would say.

...She had certainly been hanging around Peridot a lot.

She double checked that her office was locked up, as insurance against unwanted intrusions from well-meaning Gems who knew she was involved in the festival planning and who wanted to know where various supplies were being stored. The lock on her heavy-duty metal door blinked red. Peridot had installed a quite frankly ludicrous amount of security onto her office after the harrowing incidents of last year, a gesture that Zircon had chosen to find more touching than alarming.

At times like this, when her energy was running low and her anxiety was running high, it really was nice to think that even the most formidable Gems would struggle to enter her office without her permission.

Her eyes swept over her office, intending to tidy up a bit, but realizing to her dismay that nearly everything was already in its correct place, denying her the pleasure of organizing. She picked up one of Stormy’s cat toys and set it in her bed, took a book off her desk and shelved it, and looked around at least three more times trying to find anything else that she could plausibly put away.

With that settled, she fetched a soft knitted blanket from a drawer, one she had made herself after attending several knitting Geminars and watching many TubeTube videos on the topic. Knitting was a surprisingly good activity to accompany thinking, she had found. Fluffing up a pillow, she wrapped herself in the blanket and lay on her couch, intending to take a short nap -- no more than an hour or two.

Unfortunately, when she closed her eyes and attempted to relax, her fears bubbled up from the depths of her psyche. Fears of everything collapsing down around her, fear of her friends being harmed, fear of everyone abandoning her, deciding she wasn’t good enough.

She tried to recall what she had learned in one of Garnet’s recent Geminars about anxiety -- one that she had been “encouraged” to attend by Garnet turning up in her office and staring at her until she relented. Exist in the present moment. Accept yourself. Be your own friend.

 _Easy for someone who was the literal embodiment of a loving relationship to say_ , thought Zircon.

Instead, she decided to take her mind off things by grabbing her phone and putting on the latest episode of her favorite true crime podcast. Human crime was so different from Gem crime, endlessly fascinating and creative in the worst possible way. She had learned all about concepts like autopsies and firearms and DNA evidence.

She also very much appreciated how soothing the host’s voice was. 

At some point, her cat Stormy jumped up on top of her and settled into her lap, purring. Zircon absentmindedly petted her while half listening to the psychological profile of a serial killer and half drifting off to sleep.

She woke up two hours later, feeling much more relaxed than she had been, her podcast long over, Stormy still snoozing contentedly on top of her. She needed to get up and tackle some of the dozens of things on her plate, but she could afford just a few minutes more of appreciating being more or less safe and content. 

She rubbed at her eyes, stretched, and got back to work.


	22. Opposite Day

**PERI5XG:** ZIRCS

 **PERI5XG:** ZIRCS

 **PERI5XG:** ZIRCS ZIRCS ZIRCS

 **PERI5XG:** ARE YOU LEAVING ME “ON READ”

 **PERI5XG:** I LEARNED ABOUT THAT FROM CONNIE

 **PERI5XG:** SCRIZ

 **PERI5XG:** THAT’S ZIRCS, BUT BACKWARDS

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Oh

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** My

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Stars

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** How can you possibly be this bored? Don’t you have work? Hobbies?

 **PERI5XG:** I DIDN’T SAY I WAS BORED

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** It’s almost as if I know you, isn’t it?

 **PERI5XG:** ANYWAY I GOT THIS GREAT IDEA FOR A FESTIVAL / EVENT FOR LITTLE HOMEWORLD

 **PERI5XG:** IT’S CALLED “OPPOSITE DAY”

 **PERI5XG:** IT’S A GAME HUMAN CHILDREN PLAY, WHERE YOU HAVE TO BE THE “OPPOSITE” OF HOW YOU NORMALLY ARE!

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Is this an attempt to convince me that you are so bored that I am morally obligated to entertain you?

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Because I actually am at least somewhat convinced.

 **PERI5XG:** SO ON “OPPOSITE DAY” I WOULD HAVE TO “HATE” CAMP PINING HEARTS AND “NOT” “WEAR” STEVEN’S OLD CLOTHES!

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** I see.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** So does “Opposite Day” mean you would not text me with inanities when I’m trying to work?

 **PERI5XG:** YOU’D HAVE TO BE OPPOSITE TOO, SO YOU WOULDN’T BE WORKING, YOU’D BE TAKING A BREAK

 **PERI5XG:** NYAHAHA

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** No, I don’t think I would.

 **PERI5XG:** YES YOU WOULD! THAT’S HOW IT WORKS!!!

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Texting me about your ideas and badgering me into taking a break is something you normally do. Therefore, if it’s “Opposite Day,” that wouldn’t happen, so I would not be informed of it, and would be going about my usual routine.

 **PERI5XG:** WHAT

 **PERI5XG:** NO

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** What part of that logic is incorrect?

 **PERI5XG:** YOU CAN’T DO THAT

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Do what?

 **PERI5XG:** LAWYER YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** I don’t know what you were expecting.

 **PERI5XG:** BECAUSE IF IT’S OPPOSITE DAY YOU HAVE TO BE THE OPPOSITE OF A LAWYER!!!

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** What.

 **PERI5XG:** WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF A LAWYER

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** A plaintiff? A judge?

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Wait, would I have to be a _prosecutor?_ Because I adamantly refuse.

 **PERI5XG:** AN ANTI-LAWYER!

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** That makes no sense whatsoever.

 **PERI5XG:** AND I COULDN’T BE A TECHNICIAN, I’D HAVE TO BREAK STUFF INSTEAD

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Because that never happens.

 **PERI5XG:** AND YOU COULDN’T PANIC ABOUT IT, YOU’D HAVE TO BE TOTALLY “CHILL”

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** This activity is quickly going from silly to impossible.

 **PERI5XG:** I’M GOING TO TELL STEVEN, I BET HE’LL THINK IT’S FUN

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Wouldn’t an Opposite Steven be horrible and mean?

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Wouldn’t he technically have to kill humans and destroy the Earth?

 **PERI5XG:** OKAY NEVER MIND MAYBE I’M NOT GOING TO TELL STEVEN

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** And if it’s Opposite Day, wouldn’t that mean we’d have to hate each other and not be friends?

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** And you’d have to break up with Lapis, too.

 **PERI5XG:** NO WAY

 **PERI5XG:** NEVER MIND, I COULD NEVER DO THAT

 **PERI5XG:** FORGET THE WHOLE THING

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Thank goodness. That may have been your worst idea for a Little Homeworld event ever.

 **PERI5XG:** WORSE THAN THE PYROTECHNIC ROBONOID ROLLER DERBY

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Second worst idea.

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Assuming you still have an incurable case of boredom, would you like to watch some _Special Vampire Unit?_

 **PERI5XG:** YES!!!

 **PERI5XG:** WAIT I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUSY

 **PERI5XG:** ARE YOU STILL “OPPOSITE”?!

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** I don’t think so, but you’d tell me if I suddenly started turning into a prosecutor, wouldn’t you?

 **PERI5XG:** HOW COULD I TELL

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** For starters, I’d be absolutely insufferable.

 **PERI5XG:** YEAH SO HOW COULD I TELL

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** And I’d be full of infuriating, unearned confidence.

 **PERI5XG:** I GUESS THAT WOULD BE PRETTY DIFFERENT

 **PERI5XG:** I’D LIKE TO SEE THAT ACTUALLY

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** And you’d have no choice but to put me out of my misery before the condition became terminal.

 **PERI5XG:** OKAY MAYBE I WOULDN’T WANT TO SEE THAT

 **PERI5XG:** MAYBE YOU’D BE GOOD AT BEING A PROSECUTOR THOUGH?

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Peri, that’s the worst thing you’ve ever said.

 **PERI5XG:** WORSE THAN THE PYROTECHNIC ROBONOID ROLLER DERBY

 **CourtLawyerZircon:** Yes.

 **PERI5XG:** WOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this text conversation I wrote for some reason.


End file.
